Blue Scrubs are the new orange - a musical - er - experience
by Tanith Panic
Summary: This is one of my silliest efforts - a musical about a fictional situation where all the characters in Casualty are either criminals, politicians or prison staff. The cast will include 'the usual suspects'.
1. Chapter 1

BLUE SCRUBS ARE THE NEW ORANGE

THE STORY OF HOLBY PRISON

CAST

PRISONERS

MALE WING

CALVINO CALVINI, A REVOLUTIONARY FROM THE SMALL EUROPEAN COUNTRY, BALSOVIA. Crimes: Civic Unrest (guilty). Murder of former Balsovian leader Guido Selfini (innocent). Calvino is being held at Holby until he can be extradited to Balsovia where he will be shot by a firing squad. Can he prove his innocence before it's time to send him overseas to meet his fate?

THE JEFFS:

JEFF COLLIER, A REAL JEFF Crime: Theft without violence (guilty)

MCKENZIE CHALKER, WHO WANTS TO BE A JEFF TOO Crime: Vandalising a football pitch on cup final day (Very guilty)

MAXIMILIAN WALKER Crime: Multiple shoplifting. (Extremely guilty)

BENJAMIN CHILTERN, WHO HASN'T A CLUE MOST OF THE TIME. Crime: Being the getaway driver for a bank robbery (Guilty but he believed his 'friends' when they told him they were 'just calling in the bank to withdraw an unauthorised overdraft)

FEMALE WING

RITA FREEMAN WHO IS A GOBBY LITTLE REBEL Crime: Murder in defence of her girlfriend (Guilty) Occasional prostitution (Innocent)

ZOE HANNA A RICH WIDOW Crime: Poisoning her husband purposely ( Guilty of the poison but innocent of murder, she's just a crap cook.)

BONNIE/CASSANDRA Crime: Drugging, poisoning, shooting. (Very guilty)

PRISON STAFF Ethan Raceheart, First Prison Officer. New Guy on the Block. Believes in kindness but not over-indulging inmates.

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	2. Chapter 2

Okay, after having a hurtful (anonymous, of course) review, I think I need to explain to new readers how my fanfics work when I do a 'musical' fic. The first chapter is always a brief cast list, with more characters to be introduced later, and just a little rundown of the character's situations. I've written two musical fics before and nobody's complained about the first 'preview' chapter before so I shall continue in that fashion. I've also seen and enjoyed other short fics online and haven't seen anybody else complaining about them, and why should they? All stories, short or long, are something to read and they all have their place on this site. One more thing: This is more based on Bad Girls than Orange is the New Black, but Bad Girls and Bad Boys seemed a flat title.

Thanks to Gypsy Abby as usual for her ongoing support. Disclaimer: I do not own Casualty or any of the music used here.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

SIR ANTON MEYER'S OFFICE

(Constance Beauchamp, more informally known as Connie, and First Prison Officer Ethan Raceheart are putting forward their case for the modernisation of Holby Prison. For some reason which will soon be revealed, tambourines are on the table before the panel, consisting of Lord Anton, Sir Nicholas Jordan, and Prison officer Tess Bateman. Connie's personal assistant Rita is taking notes.)

LORD ANTON: … So we need to know exactly what your plans are, Mrs Beauchamp.

CONNIE: Certainly. Go, Rita!

(Rita hands out tambourines to the entire panel and goes into a lively tap dance. At the end of each verse Connie whacks her tambourine with her foot, and the movement shows her suspenders and long tanned legs. The men all shout 'wow!' every time she does this. They all rattle their tambourines in the chorus.)

ETHAN: Our plans for Holby Prison will be sure to stun the nation,

We're planning to give prisoners a top-class education,

CONNIE: We'll fill the Universities from Holby!

ETHAN: Until the sentences are served, or inmates get a pardon,

They'll be set useful tasks in Holby's library or garden,

CONNIE: We'll make them see their usefulness at Holby.

ETHAN: We'll teach them to file paperwork efficiently and neatly,

Instead of snapping off their heads we'll speak to them discreetly.

In short, friends, Holby Prison will be modernised completely, oh…

ALL: (Except a rather dubious Tess, who is shaking her head.)

It really is suprising what a thorough modernising

We shall bring about till Holby is a happy jail.

With some little tweaks and movements we'll have Butlins with improvements,

And that really wouldn't happen in a crappy jail!

(Rita continues her tap dance.)

CONNIE: We'll learn to know each prisoner, their needs and their ambitions,

ETHAN: There'll be no need for Happy Pills at Holby.

CONNIE: Because we're good to them they'll show respect for our positions,

ETHAN: There'll be no nasty rioting at Holby.

CONNIE: Jobs will be shared out equally so no-one feels neglected,

A phone call every day so no-one's family feels rejected.

Rita will speak to troublemakers, she will soothe them sweetly,

In short, friends, Holby Prison will be modernised completely. Oh…

ALL: (Except Tess again.)

It really is suprising what a thorough modernising

We shall bring about till Holby is a happy jail.

With some little tweaks and movements we'll have Butlins with improvements,

And that really wouldn't happen in a crappy jail!

(Rita finishes her tap dance. Anton and Nicholas put their heads together and talk. Then:)

ANTON:} We shall lend you the funding you need.

NICHOLAS:}

ETHAN: Oh thank you Sirs, you won't regret it!

TESS: (Aside like a panto villain.) Nothing good will come of this.

CONNIE: Thank you for this opportunity.

LORD ANTON: You're welcome my dear. We'll be in touch.

(The Holby staff go out. Lord Anton and Sir Nicholas look at each other.)

SIR NICHOLAS: Don't you think their plans are a little… er… idealistic?

LORD ANTON: Of course! Some time ago I tried to persuade the lovely Constance to – er –

SIR NICHOLAS: (Bluntly.) Give you one?

LORD ANTON: Well, yes, and she said no. I have long lived for revenge. If we allow their scheme to go ahead they'll have failed miserably in six months. Raceheart and Beauchamp will be among the unemployed and I shall persuade the DWP to cut their benefits!

(He laughs evilly as ominous music plays.)

END OF SCENE ONE

(For those who like to know where the music comes from, the music here is used in Gilbert and Sullivan's little-known operetta Utopia Limited. There's a scene on you tube, with tambourines and all, that inspired me to use the music here if anybody cares to search for it. )

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	3. Chapter 3

ACT ONE SCENE TWO

THE COURTYARD HOLBY PRISON

Disclaimer: The characters aren't necessarily the same personalities as they are in Casualty. Nice guys in Casualty may be bad ones in this musical. I like to keep my AU characters fairly versatile.

(The prisoners file through miserably on their way to be searched and allocated a wing and cell.)

PRISONERS: At the start of the day we're so bloody unhappy,

We've been stuck in a van since twenty to two,

We've not managed to get any sleep

And the general mood is just crappy.

And if you were here in my place, you'd be sulking too.

MAX WALKER: And I'm missing my nookie.

PRISONERS: At the start of the day we don't like that Tess Bateman,

And we don't give a toss if she doesn't like us.

She's a harpy, she's a dragon, she's as mean as a tiger with toothache,

JEFF COLLIER: And I'm dreaming of pushing the old baggage under a bus.

JEFF (BIG MAC) CHALKER: I'd be happy to join you.

(Tess comes forward.)

TESS: What is this shouting all about, will someone move these buggers on,

This is a prison not a playground.

(Sneering.) Oh yes that little toerag Max, who steals clothes from old ladies' backs,

Has been the cause, I have no doubt, of all the rabble hereabouts,

He plays the lover to the rich, but he's a hateful little bitch.

(Max, not at all ashamed, struts forward and sings to the tune of Don Hendley's 'Dirty Laundry':)

MAX: I made my living robbing poor old tarts,

I broke their bank accounts and broke their hearts,

Now I miss the poor old f*rts,

Dirty rotten scoundrel.

Could have been a stripper but I would up here,

"Who'll he seduce next?" is the usual jeer.

(To Tess.) Are YOU up for Nookie, dear?

TESS: (Screaming.) Dirty rotten scoundrel!

(Calvino Calvini is spied joining the queue.)

TESS: (Sarcastically.) Goodness me, it's Holby's answer to Enjolras.

CALVINO: Well, it's better than being Javert in knickers!

TESS: Soon you'll get your come-uppance for assassinating Guido Selfini.

CALVINO: I did not kill the man. I admit to the civic unrest though.

TESS: Breaking windows and throwing bombs into buildings.

CALVINO: That, madam, is where you are wrong. I hurt nobody; I just organised and took part in general strikes for fairer conditions for the poor.

(Tess is about to sneer at him again when Rita comes walking in smiling.)

RITA: Hi, everybody. How's it going? When you've all been searched and given your block and cells, I'm going to hand out some lovely Mars Bars.

CONNIE: (Hurrying after her.) Rita, what have I told you? We're here to be strict but kind and that means no Mars Bars.

(Everybody laughs till Connie gives them the Beauchamp glare.)

CONNIE: Now hurry along. The sooner you're stripped and searched the sooner you can go to your cells.

(Rita scuttles off.)

CONNIE: (Calling her back.) Not YOU, Rita!

(Rita creeps back in shame as almost everybody sniggers.)

(Ben Chiltern looks terrified.)

BEN: S-strip?

CONNIE: It's all right, Ben, Mr Masters will search you. You don't have to strip in front of ladies.

RITA: So we won't laugh and laugh if you've only got a little weeny one!

CONNIE: Rita, get a grip!

(The queues move up. Zoe, in the women's line, looks at Max admiringly then sings to herself.)

ZOE: I don't know if I love him,

He's a mean thieving con man.

But he's cute, he's really cute,

And I've had so little 'cute' before

In all my married days.

(Firmly.) He's just one more.

BEN: (Suddenly excited.) Mrs Beauchamp, who's that in the white uniform over there?

CONNIE: That, Benjamin, is Dr Dylan Keogh. He won't allow any malingering so if you had to see him it would mean you'd be really ill.

(Ben looks sorrowful and sings to himself:)

BEN: I'm not allowed to love him.

He's so posh, I'm a loser.

Oh that hurts, it really hurts.

And I've had so many hurt before

In many different ways,

I don't need more.

(The Jeffs try to push him out of the way but Calvino turns round and gives them a threatening look. They smile weakly at him.)

END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO

MRS BEAUCHAMP'S OFFICE.

(Connie is seeing the new prisoners one by one. She starts by interviewing Robyn.)

CONNIE: Robyn Miller. You've been put with Zoe Hanna on Z wing. Now if there are any problems, you come and see me. Don't cheek the staff back, that's not how we do things here. Come and see me. If I'm busy see Mr Raceheart. Soon there'll be study opportunities open to everybody, it's up to you to put your name forward and keep watching the notice board. Any current worries?

ROBYN: (Breaking down.) My dog… what will happen to my dog? I've got three years in here!

MRS BEAUCHAMP: What kind of dog is it?

ROBYN: A massive great Irish Wolfhound. Called Dervla.

(She sings to the tune of Memory from 'Cats'.)

ROBYN: Dervla, all alone in the moonlight,

She'll think I've lost my memory, she'll be starving alone.

She'll be sulking, and thinking just how hungry she is,

And she'll start to bark and moan.

(Mrs Beauchamp picks up the phone.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Dylan? My office, please. I think you'll find it good news.

(Robyn looks confused, then even more confused as Dr Dylan Keogh enters the room.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Dylan, such a happy co-incidence. Robyn here has to sell her dog because of her forthcoming incarceration

DYLAN: What kind of dog is it?

ROBYN: (Getting a little tired of saying it.) A dirty great Irish Wolfhound.

(Dylan sings, and I think the tune should be obvious here.)

DYLAN: I'm gonna get a hound dog,

And love her all the time.

I'm gonna get a hound dog,

I'll love her all the time.

Now you're in jail for pilfering,

Your doggie's gonna be mine.

(He does a hip-gyrating dance that's actually quite sexy.)

DYLAN: You lucky little shoplifter, I'll buy her. (Slyly.) Of course I can't write you a cheque now because you're a crook. But when you leave here there'll be a nice crispy cheque waiting for you. Now where can I pick her up?

CONNIE: 37 Acacia Avenue, Holby.

DYLAN: I've always admired your photographic memory Connie.

CONNIE: Well, you go and pick up your dog. The door will be open, the police kicked it down to arrest Robyn because she escaped from M & S. If anybody gets hurt Mrs Bateman will pack them up till you return. Robyn, you take yourself to your cell, and send the next one in.

ROBYN: Yes Mrs Beauchamp.

(Robyn scuttles off and Ben comes in. He is speechless when he sees Dylan, who gives him a 'WTF' look as he hurries out to get his new dog.)

CONNIE: Benjamin Chiltern. You'll be in Y wing, sharing a cell with Calvino Calvini. Don't look so scared, you use your common sense and he won't hurt you. Now, let's go over your crime. You were arrested for driving the getaway car for a bank robbery. An _armed_ robbery, Ben. You're in for a long time. Would you like to tell me why you did it?

BEN: They told me they were just going in to get an unauthorised overdraft.

CONNIE: Oh Ben, look what not using your common sense has done already. Now if only there was somebody who'd overheard them lying to you.

BEN: But there was! A little old lady heard because she said to me that my friends were only going to have to pay the overdraft back sooner or later.

CONNIE: But this is wonderful. All we have to do is trace her.

BEN: (Smiling.) I know where she is.

CONNIE: Where?

BEN: Just as she was running to tell the police, she was hit by a car.

CONNIE: (Horrified.) Oh!

BEN: She only got a bop on the head and now she's in Flowery Vales Nursing home with amnesia.

(Connie bangs her head on the desk in despair.)

END OF SCENE THREE

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	4. Chapter 4

WARNING: Brief drug reference, strong language and atrocious grammar!

ACT ONE SCENE FOUR

THE QUEUE FOR THE TELEPHONES

(This is part of a song called Telephone Hour from the musical Bye Bye Birdie.)

THE TWO JEFFS (Singing in perfect harmony.)

Hi there sweetheart, it's me-

Wait, don't put down the phone-

I had pasta for tea,

Now my guts feel like stone.

Mrs Beauchamp's a star,

Mrs Bateman's a cow,

How I wish I was free-

(Bonnie/Cassandra gets Jeff C by the throat.)

We can't talk to you now!

(Bonnie pushes them out of the way and makes her call.)

BONNIE: Hello Rick, I feel bad,

I ain't got any crack,

I ain't got any e's,

I ain't got any smack.

Are you visiting soon?

You can sneak me a file,

(Seeing Mrs Bateman creeping up.) Hell, I'm busted again,

I can't talk for a while.

(Mrs Bateman drags her out of the queue. It's Robyn's turn.)

ROBYN: Hello Dave, how've you been?

Guess what, Dervla's been sold.

How's it going with Jean?

Does she still have that cold?

It was cool in the gym,

How I ran and I jumped.

I might have a sprained limb-

(Bursting into tears.) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M DUMPED?

(She runs from the queue, sobbing.)

SCENE FIVE

ZOE AND ROBYN'S CELL

(Zoe is giving Robyn a cuddle and Robyn is still crying.)

ZOE: They're not worth it darling. You wait till you get out, you'll find somebody nicer.

ROBYN: But I love Daaaaave!

ZOE: You have to forget Dave, Robbo. Hey… that'd be a good name for you while you're in here. Know that nice little jacket you came in with? I've got a friend who'll fetch me some sequins and I'll sew 'ROBBO' on it for you. You'll look like one of those Pink Ladies from Grease.

ROBYN: (Wiping her nose.) How much?

ZOE: It's free, babe. No charge.

ROBYN: (Deciding to face her fears and speak up.) Will we have to be lesbians?

ZOE: (Howling with laughter.) No, Robbo. I just see myself as a mother figure for you. So… me and you against the world then?

ROBYN: I'd like that.

(Tess Bateman stalks in looking suspicious.)

TESS: Are you two being lesbians?

ZOE: No, we'd be making much more noise, wouldn't we Robbo? When does the tea trolley come round, Mrs B?

MRS BATEMAN: MRS BATEMAN! It'll be round in an hour, you greedy thing.

(She walks out again. Zoe waits till her footsteps have faded, then pulls a hip flask from her garter.)

ZOE: Whiskey. You and me, Robbo, we're going to party later. And if you're worried about waking up with a hangover, that soppy Rita's been allowed to give out two fun size Mars Bars with every mug of tea. Just for tonight.

ROBYN: Do you miss being married?

ZOE: Yeah… like I'd miss a toothache!

(She sings, this is "I don't wanna show off" from The Drowsy Chaperone. Yes I know I get these tunes from some weird places!)

ZOE: I don't wanna get wed no more,

Stroke a sweaty man's head no more,

Have him grope me in bed no more,

I don't wanna get wed.

I don't wanna bake pies no more,

Hear a lot of old lies no more,

Look at his bloodshot eyes no more.

I don't wanna get wed.

No-one else will control me,

I've made up my mind.

That's it. I quit. I'm leaving love behind.

ROBYN: I don't want soppy words no more,

Talk of those bees and birds no more,

(Bawling.) I DON'T WANNA DATE T*RDS NO MORE!

BOTH: WE DON'T WANNA GET WED!

(The camera goes to Max, who is skulking outside the cell door and looking very disappointed at what he's heard as Robyn and Zoe do a high-kicking Broadway type dance routine.)

END OF SCENE FIVE

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	5. Chapter 5

ACT ONE SCENE SIX

THE COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING.

(The men wait in one queue, the women in another. Then Rita comes out with a clipboard.)

RITA: Hi there, today you'll be delighted to know that the times for the classes are up! The times will be on the notice board and it's up to you to get permission to attend them from either Mr Raceheart or Miss Bateman. (Giggling.) We can't do it all for you, you know!

(She sings. This is 'It's only for you' from Love Never Dies Act One.)

RITA: Welcome to our little chat, I've a list so wide and fat,

Of the stuff there is to do.

We've got English, we've got Maths,

Then there's stuff that's more for laughs,

And it's only for you!

(She turns to where a pretty Chinese lady with a rather angry expression is walking through the courtyard.)

RITA: Here's our friend Ms Lily Chao, and I'm sure you'd like to know

She'll be teaching you Tai Chi.

We've got Zumba, we've got gym,

Easter bonnets you can trim,

And it's all for free!

We've got history as well – you can find out how Rome fell.

You can trace your family tree,

Social studies you can do, learn the other's point of view

And it's all for free.

Make a card to send your Mum, or you really ought to come

To a painting class or two,

Paint a landscape vast and lush.

BONNIE: (Interrupting nastily.) Guess just where I'll shove the brush,

And it's only for you!

(Jacob gets Bonnie in an armlock and drags her off. Rita, much relieved, continues.)

RITA: You can knit a lovely vest,

Learn where Eagles build their nest,

Or why we should save the Bee!

Why not sign up right away,

And there's not a bean to pay

For it's all for free.

(Everybody rushes to the notice board except Calvino.)

CALVINO: Miss Freeman, is it really worth my doing any of that? Seeing as I'm going to die soon?

(Rita runs off sobbing. Tess takes over.)

TESS: You should still sign up. Goodness knows how long it'll take us to actually get you shipped home, and you don't want to die a numbskull do you?

(Mrs Beauchamp's heels are heard across the floor and she strides forward, causing many a heart, male or female, to flutter.)

CONNIE: As a matter of fact, Calvino, we haven't had our private interview yet. Would you like to come with me please?

(She strides out and he walks behind her, just taking it all in.)

CALVINO: Ahh, that lady has a wonderful swing to her bum!

SCENE SIX

CONNIE'S OFFICE

(Calvino is sitting in a chair opposite Connie, his long legs splayed out. He is explaining his case to her while they do a sexy tango because this is what happens in musicals. The music is 'Tangled Up' by Caro Emerald.)

CALVINO: I was a rebel, if you like, I organised a general strike.

But I can't kill! It makes me ill.

I was arrested in late June, I pulled my trousers down to moon,

It pleased the crowd, but I'm not proud.

There was a shot in the confusion, and Selfini fell down dead

With a messy little hole right through his head.

And I was tackled, and shackled, and tangled up!

Tackled and shackled and tangled up!

Why did they say that it was me?

I am the guiltless one, you see.

Now I'll be shot. Well thanks a lot!

They sent me here to bide my time

Till I can perish for my crime.

I'm not prepared,

Heck I'm so scared!

I want to see more rainbows lighting up the sky,

But now I won't, because I'm going to DIE!

My nerves are mangled up, jangled up,

Tangled up.

Mangled up, jangled up, tangled up.

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh tangled up.

CONNIE: (Speaking.) It would help if you knew who had fired the shot, Calvino.

CALVINO: (Scoffing.) Hah that is the easy bit. I know it was Leonardo Lyoni who did it. A man in the crowd saw it too but he will not speak up for me because the strike I caused stopped him getting to a football match and his team scored eight goals that day. His name is Adriano Fletchini.

CONNIE: This one is going to be difficult Calvino but I like a challenge. I have free time soon and I shall travel to Balsovia to speak to this Fletchini. Believe me, I've seen some outrages committed over football. Why, one of our inmates here….but let me tell you about it in my own way…

(She sings. This doesn't have a tune as such, it's just a bit of rhyming dialogue that I thought of. You can feel free to use your own tune here.)

CONNIE: Two years ago, on cup final day,

'Jeff' Chalker's team lost in a terrible way.

Humiliation and sorrow was rife,

And many a man was kicked out by his wife!

'Jeff' saw his team flounder, behaved like a bitch,

He strode to the front and he pee'd on the pitch.

Still not satisfied, he then pe'ed in the cup-

While poor David Beckham was holding it up!

CALVINO: My goodness, that was a brave act. Mrs Beauchamp. I feel for Jeff who is not really Jeff. But I want you to take great care if you do go to Balsovia. Although I feel time is not on my side.

CONNIE: It might be. I've just thought of an ally…. Dr Keogh.

(She whispers in his ear. Calvino smiles, and they both do a triumphant dance to the theme from Match of the Day.)

END OF SCENE SEVEN

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	6. Chapter 6

ACT ONE SCENE EIGHT

CALVINO AND BEN'S CELL

(Ben is looking through a timetable he's made for his new classes, when Bonnie sidles in.)

BEN: Please go away, you'll get me into trouble and I don't have anything you'd be interested in.

BONNIE: Oh Curly Top, you'd be surprised.

(She flings his timetable into the corner and starts stroking Ben, who is desperately trying to keep calm.)

BONNIE: Let's lift up that T shirt and see if you've got a hairy chest.

BEN: If you don't go away I'll shout for Mr Raceheart.

BONNIE: Well it's obvious what side YOU bat for.

(Calvino walks in.)

CALVINO: You! Female serpent! Out! And do not let me hear you using ancient homophobic phrases again!

(Bonnie stalks out, tearing up Ben's timetable before she goes.)

CALVINO: I will get you another of those. That woman is poison.

BEN: (Deciding to be honest.) She's right though. I am gay.

CALVINO: That does not bother me in the least. I have no time for bigotry. You, you like the men. I like the ladies. I shall look out for you, Benjamin. No more tricks like THIS will be played on you.

(He moves Ben's T shirt slightly and Ben goes pale when he sees the package that Bonnie has put into his belt.)

BEN: Is that-?

CALVINO: Very bad stuff, Ben. Now stand by and let me do the talking here. Three, two, one…

(Jacob and Ethan burst into the cell followed by a smirking Bonnie.)

JACOB: We've got evidence that….

(Snatching the package from Calvino.) Hah! Bingo!

CALVINO: Please smell that package.

ETHAN: (Recoiling.) Ugh! What for?

CALVINO: Just do it.

(Ethan smells it and says with a strangely leery expression on his face.)

ETHAN: Angel perfume! My ex used to wear that.

CALVINO: Now please smell Madam Bonnie's cleavage.

(Ethan looks shy.)

JACOB: (Eagerly.) I'll do it!

(Bonnie makes a bolt for it but he grabs her and shoves his head into her cleavage. Next minute he has her pinioned with her arms behind her back and produces a pair of handcuffs.)

JACOB: Angel perfume! You little bitch, you were going to plant this on poor Ben, weren't you? Thought you'd ruin his chances before he started? I'm going to recommend you get a transfer to Sodbury prison.

BONNIE: (Sneering at Ben.) You little sh*t!

(She manages to spit in Ben's face. Calvino passes him a handkerchief and he cleans up.)

BONNIE: Just you wait, Curly bastard. I'll get you one way or another. And don't even bother with the classes, loser. You'll never make anything of yourself.

(Jacob drags her off.)

CALVINO: That harpy tore up Ben's class timetable.

ETHAN: I'll get you another. They don't have any classes at Sodbury prison so she's the loser. Garden duties in fifteen minutes, guys.

(He walks out with a soppy nostalgic look on his face.)

BEN: She was right. I am a loser.

CALVINO: We shall have no more of this talk. Listen, my friend.

(He sings to the tune of "I'll be there for you".)

CALVINO: So no one told you life was gonna be this way  
You're in a cell, it's hell, your family's far away.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
Now you can smile, my friend, for Big Calvino's here.  
I'll be there for you  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you

When you're tricked by a whore.  
I'll be there for you  
Please be there for me too.  
You're up each day at six, and work begins at eight,  
Zoe's cooked your breakfast, so you bet it won't taste great,

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these.

Now she won't visit you and you're down on your knees, but

I'll be there for you  
When Old Bateman is mean,

I'll be there for you  
I'll be first on the scene.  
I'll be there for you  
Please be there for me too!

(They share a man hug.)

SCENE NINE

THE GYMNASIUM

(Lily Chao is teaching her first Tai Chi class. The words in this next bit won't make a lot of sense as they're all Tai Chi moves; they have some interesting names. The tune is an old sixties song called Sukiyaki.)

LILY: 'Fair Maiden's hands' at chest height,

I find that that's the best height.

'Cloud hands' and step, step again, 'Carry Tiger'.

Tai Chi, behold, worth its weight in gold.

You'll all thank me when you grow old.

Don't kick too high, or you'll fall over, Ben.

(He does. The Jeffs bear down on him making mock karate movements.)

Jeffs, don't do that, I shan't tell you again.

Now here's some Chen and Wu steps,

That is the way to do steps,

'Cat stance' 'Horse stance', step again, 'Fragrant Buddha'.

All move with me, have to move in harmony,

The only way to do Tai Chi.

Don't kick too high – yes you've nailed that step Ben.

(Max, getting bored, wiggles his bare ass at her.)

Max, leave this class and don't come back again.

(He slinks out.)

Now for Qui Gung to cool down.

Don't let the golden rule down,

Keep breathing, Jeffs, you'll turn purple!

Tai Chi is done, wasn't that a lot of fun,

Five minutes late! You'd better run.

(Everybody scuttles off except the Jeffs who stand looking adoringly at her. Ethan enters.)

ETHAN: Miss Chao.

LILY: MS Chao.

ETHAN: I never know how to pronounce that.

LILY: (Hissing.) Msssssss.

ETHAN: I just wanted to say how sorry I am for not being here for your class. Things have been busy today. (Suddenly moving a little closer.) Is that Angel perfume?

LILY: (Grimly.) Yes. I was sold what I thought was a full bottle by that nasty Bonnie who's just been shipped to Sodbury. There was just one decent squirt left in it, the rest was water.

ETHAN: You really shouldn't do that now you're on prison staff. If you come into work and any of the prisoners offer to sell you something, come straight to me.

LILY: (Prissily.) Or Mrs Beauchamp.

ETHAN: Of course.

(Lily gives a cute little bow and leaves for the day. Ethan sings:)

ETHAN: Falling in love again, never wanted to,

What am I to do?

(Giving Alfie Boe a run for his money.) I can't heeeeelp it.

MAX: (Entering without knocking.) That Lily Chao said I had to report to you for showing my arse in Tai Chi.

(This is too much for poor Ethan who runs off shouting urgently.)

ETHAN: MRS BEAUCHAMP!

END OF SCENE NINE

(


	7. Chapter 7

BLUE SCRUBS

First of all thanks to A V Mabs for your very positive review. To be fair, I think if I'd explained that this was a musical and the first chapter was nothing but a cast list with a little background detail, it might have been better, but it was great to have the support. Thanks for the constant support from Gypsy Abby as always, and for the guest reviewer who asked for more Zax, try this next scene.)

ACT ONE SCENE TEN

THE CANTEEN, HOLBY PRISON

(To Mrs Bateman's obvious disapproval, male and female prisoners are encouraged to sit with each other as part of the new reforms by Mrs Beauchamp. The Jeffs are serving, a task they're both proud of. Sorry, more Gilbert and Sullivan to start with. (I'm old!) This is to the tune of the raffle song from Patience. These can all be found on You Tube, or just feel free to make up your own tune.)

JEFFS: Come walk up, there's porridge with some sugar in-

Robyn, do stop dreaming, love, and let some other bugger in.

(Robyn moves up hastily.)

Sorry we can't serve it with an overflowing mug o'gin-

We'd get told off for it and it isn't worth the pain.

Scrambled eggs and bacon and HP sauce for the hell of it,

If you're scared to eat it, then feel free to have a smell of it.

We're such stunning cooks one day the history books will tell of it,

Such an opportunity may not occur again.

(Zoe sits down with a bowl of porridge and a mug of tea. Max sits next to her with a full English and she gets up to move away. He grabs her hand.)

ZOE: Don't you touch me, con-artiste!

MAX: Please don't make a scene or Mrs Batemean will be round and then we'll get no breakfast at all, will we?

ZOE: Oh, sit where you like. I suppose you eat like a pig too.

MAX: Why don't you like me? Is it because I'm not a good little vegetarian like you?

ZOE: Why don't I like you? Let me see…

(She sings to 'What is this feeling' from Wicked:)

ZOE: What is this feeling, so sudden and new

That I felt the moment I laid eyes on you?

MAX: (Holding her hand to his heart, which sadly doesn't impress her one bit.)

MAX: Feel my heart pounding, my head is reeling.

ZOE: (Disgusted.) Hell, you're astounding. What is this feeling?

What's this fervid flame? Does it have a name?

YES!

Loathing, unadulterated loathing, for you, reptile in man's clothing.

Let's just say I loathe it all, every little trait, though big or small

Makes my very flesh begin to crawl with simple utter loathing.

MAX: (Undeterred.) There's a wild exhilaration

In your total detestation,

You're so tough, so strong.

Though I admit it came on fast,

I believe my love will last.

ZOE: (Bashing him over the head with her tray.)

I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long.

(Mrs Bateman seizes Zoe, Jacob seizes Max and they are dragged off to report to Mrs Beauchamp.)

CALVINO: Ah, she likes him. Today the bop on the head. Next year, the wedding bells!

(He sings a very tuneful bit of the Wedding March. Ethan comes over smiling.)

ETHAN: A letter for you, Angel. I mean, Calvini.

CALVINO: Ah so you like the boys? I have to tell you I like the girls.

ETHAN: No, you don't understand and I'm not surprised. Angel was the perfume worn by my ex girlfriend. Yesterday that thug Bonnie was wearing it when she tried to plant drugs on Ben, as you know. Now I have Angel on my mind day in, day out.

(He sings to the tune of 'I Can Hear the Bells' from Hairspray.)

ETHAN: I still feel the smells,

Plundering my nose!

When I smell that scent,

My self control just goes.

Okay, I loved my first love, I wish she was still there,

But she left me. Who said that life was fair?

But now Lily was in here yesterday

And that perfume came walloping my way.

And then she saw me, yes she looked straight at me,

And I want her, my lady of Tai Chi and my

Heart burst, now I know what love's about,

I adore her, though that perfume knocks me out.

I can smell that smell, my head is spinning,

I can smell that smell, my life's beginning,

Everybody says a man as meek as me

Could never win her love but let's wait and see for

I can smell the smell, ooh it's so rich and

I can smell the smell, I want that bitch and I'm horny!

Corny, but I can smell the smell.

(As usually happens in a musical, only Calvino is able to hear him.)

CALVINO: I shall do all I can to help you get together with the fragrant Lily. Well, I suppose I should open my letter.

(He opens it and the blood drains from his face. The letter falls to the floor.)

CALVINO: They are coming for me on Friday.

END OF SCENE TEN

SCENE ELEVEN

CONNIE'S OFFICE

(Max and Zoe sit there like naughty schoolchildren.)

CONNIE: I'm not going to send you down the block this time but I warn you Zoe, you'd better stop channelling your inner Anne of Green Gables and whacking people on the head if they say something you don't like. And you can stop smirking, Max, you're far from innocent. Now get out, the pair of you.

(They go out and then Max puts his head round again.)

MAX: Calvini's waiting outside. Shall I send him in?

CONNIE: Yes. Thank you. And be off with you!

(Max scuttles off and Calvino comes in. Connie can tell from his face that something is badly wrong.)

CONNIE: Sit down, Calvino. Is that a letter to show me?

(He hands it over like a naughty boy in trouble. She reads it.)

CONNIE: Coming for you, Friday, are they? Rita!

(Rita emerges from under the desk. Calvino doesn't look at all surprised.)

CONNIE: Rita, tell Doctor Keogh I need to see him now.

RITA: I'm scared of Doctor Keogh.

CONNIE: Stop being a baby; off you go.

(She hurries off and comes back looking scared out of her mind. Dylan strides in. Before either Calvino or Connie can speak, thanks to our wonderful special effects team, he suddenly turns round and is dressed in a top hat and tails, surrounded by adoring female reporters who have appeared from nowhere.)

REPORTERS: Oh oh, Doctor Keogh, we're all his.

He's our hero you know, and ooh what luck for here he is!

DYLAN: I don't care about a huge TV, Internet, games for free,

No no not me, all I care about's my dog,

My Dervly Wurvly.

I don't care about a big posh car, groping down Zoe's bra, no no not me,

All I care about's my dog.

Picture two eyes of brown, softly pleading 'hose me down',

When I see her splashing free, keep your knighthood, that's enough for me.

I don't care about big fat cheques, satin sheets, kinky sex,

No no not me… all I care about's my dog!

(The scene fades and he's wearing his normal doctor's uniform.)

DYLAN: How can I help?

CONNIE: We need you to fabricate a horrible highly infectious disease by Friday morning!

(Calvino kneels and kisses Connie's feet.)

END OF SCENE ELEVEN

(


	8. Chapter 8

BLUE SCRUBS

THE GYMNASIUM, FRIDAY MORNING

(Lily is taking her class through their paces, and it's now break. Rita and Ethan are among the people in the room. Ben comes over to Lily.)

BEN: Please, Ms Chao?

LILY: Yes Ben?

BEN: I'm a bit concerned. That move 'carry tiger'? Surely if you carried a tiger over a mountain it'd eat you?

JEFF COLLIER: (Butting in rudely and gleefully.) It's a DEAD tiger.

(Rita, predictably, bursts into tears. Lily glares at Ben and Jeff C. Ethan comes over.)

LILY: (Irritably.) Mr Hardy, do you have a cold? You keep sniffing.

ETHAN: Forgive me, Ms Chao. You're not wearing Angel perfume today?

(Lily blushes.)

LILY: Why, Mr Hardy, how attentive you are. Angel is not my normal perfume – normally I wear Vera Wang. My sister lent me her perfume yesterday as I had left mine at work.

(Ethan looks shellshocked.)

LILY: And why has Calvino not joined this session?

(Jeff who is really McKenzie sings to a folk type tune:)

JEFF MAC: Captain Corelli, he had a mandolin.

Calvino pulled the strings off it and chucked it in the bin,

Corelli's over six foot ten and built just like a truck,

I don't know what he did to Cal, I was too scared to look.

LILY: (Bawling.) Back to class!

ETHAN: (As he goes through the motions, he sings to the tune of Black or White.)

She's not an Angel fan, she wears Vera Wang.

It's changed the goalposts, now my nerves have gone twang!

Oh I believed in miracles, and I thought she'd come to dinner tonight,

Oh why's life complicated, it's never either black or white!

It's black , it's white, life's just a bucket of….

LILY: (Caustically.) Earth to Mr Hardy! You are messing up my Qui Gong.

ETHAN: (Blurting it all out.) I'm sorry Ms Chao, will you have dinner with me?

BEN: Aww, go on, Ms Chao.

JEFF C: Take him to Maccy D's.

LILY: I shall not tell you in here; I have my pride. (Screaming at the class.) Qui GONG!

(Suddenly a grim-faced Connie comes in clicking her heels rhythmically.)

CONNIE: Listen, you lot. NOBODY is to go near Calvino Calvini. He has a very contagious disease. The symptoms are swelling face, sweating and non stop projectile vomiting.

LILY: Well that has put me right off dinner. I shall not eat out tonight.

(She stalks out as Ethan, frustrated, shakes his fist in rage in the direction of the cells.)

RITA: (Hysterically.) Oh Connie, he kissed your feet-!

(Connie clamps a hand over Rita's mouth.)

CONNIE: Rita, you're rambling again, darling, come with me. You need to lie down.

(She hustles Rita out, seeing that the little blonde airhead is on the verge of hysterics. Suddenly two men in uniform walk in and salute. Everybody sees they have guns, and are a little nervous.)

BEN: C-can we help you gentlemen?

FIRST OFFICER: Good afternoon young man, we need to see your superior. I am Joshua Griffiti and this is Martin Van Aschenford. We have come to arrest Calvino Calvini and to take him to his execution in Balsovia.

PRISONERS: (Grieving, singing to Bring Him Home:)

Ah poor Cal, time moves fast,

These next days will be his last.

He is young, he's afraid,

He's depressed, let him rest.

Don't take him home, don't take him home, take him home.

BEN: He's the big brother I might have known.

He's kept me safe there in my cell,

The days have flown one by one,

He soon will see his last sun-

GRIFFITI: Oh shut up lad, we must move on!

BEN: Grant him peace, grant him joy,

Let him go, he's not yours to destroy,

You can take, you can give,

Let him be, let him live,

Should he die, I would cry.

Let him live, don't take him home...

PRISONERS: Don't take him home, don't take him home, don't take him hoooome.

(Van Aschenford gives Ben a vicious little push as he and Griffiti march out. Ben keeps his balance!)

BEN: (Smiling sadly.) Tai Chi works.

END OF SCENE TWELVE

SCENE THIRTEEN

THE PRISON INFIRMARY

(Griffiti and Van Ashchenford confront Dylan who comes out of a private room wearing a plastic apron over his doctor's uniform, which he's tinkered with to – sorry there's no really nice way to put this –make it look as if it has nasty stuff on.)

GRIFFITI: We do not care how sick Calvini is. We wish to take him back with us now.

(Dylan sings – and apologies again for using a song from such an old musical. It just fit nicely. This is 'What will mother say' from 'Bless the Bride'. You can find a tiny bit from it on .com if you type in 'what will mother say' or make up your own tune here.)

DYLAN: I just can't believe my eyes, his head is swollen twice its size.

Hands are flabby, skin is scabby, what would his mother say?

What a bore, he's at death's door,

He looks like fifty shades of grey.

Vomit, vomit, non stop vomit,

What would his mother say?

Here's an illness quite astounding, what would his mother say?

Legs are twitching, heart is pounding, what would his mother say?

So my friends, I'm warning you, if you don't want to catch it too,

Turn around and leave this prison, what would your family say?

Hair and teeth are falling out, he's handsome Cal no more, okay?

Can't be moved till after Christmas, what would his mother say?

GRIFFITI:} This is really too obscene, it isn't even Halloween,

VAN ASCHENFORD:} We must wait till after Christmas, what will our country say?

Let's go in and take our chances, heroes do not run away.

(Sounds of Calvino screaming and throwing up.)

GRIFFITI:} (Very frightened.) We can wait till after Christmas!

VAN ASCHENFORD:} But we'll come back one day.

DYLAN: I should run and keep on running,

You need to get away!

(They look at him standing there with hands on hips and realise they'll not get past him. They flee. After a suitable pause Dylan raps on the door.)

DYLAN: You can start getting cleaned up and get back to your cell, Calvini. I do not like lying as a doctor but Mrs Beauchamp is convinced you are innocent. Well at least you'll get to celebrate Christmas this year.

(Connie and Rita come in howling with laughter.)

CONNIE: We passed those two upon the stair, oh how easily they scare.

RITA: Won't see them till after Christmas, what would Ma Bateman say?

('Ma' Bateman herself enters singing.)

MRS BATEMAN: Though I don't approve of lies, those two brutes were merely spies.

Nasty oily politicians. (Ashamed.) What would my mother say?

Let's hope we see justice done, what a day for everyone.

Dylan, wash that nasty apron! What would your mother say?

CONNIE: Tess, I do believe you're human after all!

END OF SCENE THIRTEEN

(


	9. Chapter 9

BLUE SCRUBS

ACT ONE SCENE FOURTEEN

THE COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING.

(A/N First of all I have a huge apology to make. Lily has been referring to Ethan as Mr Hardy in the last scene when he's Mr Raceheart. I will try to find some logical explanation for this but fear it might take time!

On with the story, and here's merry wee Rita with her clipboard at the ready as the prisoners assemble to hear the news.)

RITA: Now, as it's Halloween tomorrow, Mrs Beauchamp's decided you can decorate your cells. There'll be a prize for the best male and female cell.

JEFF MAC: What do we get, the key to the outside door?

RITA: (Giggling.) No, naughty boy. You'll find out what the prize is if you win. Now don't make them too disgusting or you'll have to be disqualified, but use your imaginations. You'll be allowed to do those in Craft class where Mr Fairhead can see you. It'll be a nice way of you all getting to meet Mr Fairhead as well.

(She sings, to the tune of 'The Lady's Paying' from Sunset Boulevard.)

RITA: We'll make the best Halloween in history, just wait and see.

Ghoulies ghosts and bats hung from the ceiling.

Pumpkin faces glowing to light up your cell, so cute as well.

Sure to generate a happy feeling.

You can tell a scary tale, make your cell mate shake and wail,

Or invent the tragic tale of a girl dumped by a male,

Who then hung herself one evening, now her spectre haunts this jail.

With fun like this, you're sure to make a slaying,

And it won't cost a bean, the prison's paying.

ROBYN: Miss Freeman, it's very unkind of you to joke about people who've been dumped. It's happened to some of us, you know.

RITA: Oh, chicken, I'm so sorry.

(Mrs Bateman comes over.)

MRS BATEMAN: Miss Freeman, we do not call the prisoners 'chicken'. Miller, get a grip or I shan't let you go to Mr Fairhead's craft class.

VOICE: I don't care a stuff about Mr Fairhead. I'm innocent and I'm not staying here without a fight.

(And Kathleen Dixon, known as Dixie, strides up to Rita, which scares her a little because she giggles, a sure sign that Rita's scared.)

RITA: This is our new prisoner, who likes to be called Dixie. Let's give her a real Holby cheer now.

(Silence as Dixie glares round. Mrs Bateman comes over again.)

MRS BATEMAN: I'll take over now, Rita. (Aside.) 'A real Holby cheer.' I've heard it all now. (Aloud.) This is Dixon, one more of you horrible lot to look after. She's sharing a cell with Hanna and Miller.

(Robyn and Zoe look at each other in shock.)

ZOE: Why us?

MAX: Hey, you can always come in with me, Zoe, gorgeous.

MRS BATEMAN: Walker, you're on report. Dixon, I'll show you to your cell.

ZOE: We need to be there Mrs Bateman, to make sure she knows which bed's free.

DIXIE: I'll take what f***ing bed I like.

MRS BATEMAN: That answers that. She'll take what f***ing bed…. (wailing.) You've made me say a bad word, you wretch! Take over again, Rita.

DIXIE: Wait, you old boot. I want to tell it how it is so those two bitches I'm sharing with get the message.

(She sings to the tune of 'When you're good to Mama' from Chicago:)

DIXIE: Got a little motto, always sees me through,

When you're bad to Dixie, Dixie's bad to you.

Bother her at tea time, sabotage her brew,

Play a trick on Dixie, she'll have a piece of you.

Now you may think it's fun to sneer and fill my bed with grass,

But will you still be laughing with a knife stuck in your ass?

(Robyn starts to cry. Zoe hugs her.)

DIXIE: We should pull together, like the Holby crew.

Pull a stroke on Dixie, she'll pull the plug on you.

(She more or less drags Dixie away. Zoe and Robyn hurry after her nervously.)

RITA: Well now, aren't we going to have some fun tomorrow? Ooh now that reminds me, two very lucky people will be given day release for some work experience later this week. And guess who it is! Calvino because he's had a nasty time this week with nearly being taken back home and shot, and Ben because he's been a good quiet boy.

MAX: Seriously? Work experience? I didn't know that happened in a prison.

RITA: It's one of Mrs Beauchamp's new ideas. And just guess where you boys will be working? The Zoo! And I'll be taking you there!

JEFF COLLIER: They'll be using shovels all day then. Steamy times, boys!

MAX:} (Singing.) Rita's taking them to the zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow.

Rita's taking them to the zoo tomorrow, then can stay all day.

JEFF MAC:} They're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo, cleaning up poo, poo, poo…

(Lily comes through with Ethan behind her.)

LILY: Listen up! Because of Halloween celebrations there'll be no Tai Chi till next week.

(Groans of disappointment. Lily can't help smirking. Then she glares.)

LILY: Mr HARDY OR DO YOU PREFER RACEHEART! Will you stop sniffing at me?

ETHAN: I just wanted to know what perfume you were wearing today…

LILY: (In a fury.) THIS ONE!

(She takes a bottle of Vera Wang from her pocket and pours it over his head. Ethan protects his eyes and runs off to take a shower. Mrs Beauchamp comes in and is not pleased.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Ms Chao! My office!

RITA: (Trying to keep the happy mood.) What a jolly day we're having!

END OF SCENE FOURTEEN

SCENE FIFTEEN

ZOE AND ROBYN'S CELL

(Max is seen risking punishment by hanging around outside; he's there in case of any violence from Dixie towards the woman he loves. Hearing footsteps he ducks out of sight. Zoe, Robyn, Dixie and Mrs Bateman come along with Dixie's possessions in a bag. Robyn is still very scared.)

DIXIE: Okay, Bateman, I'll tell these two which cell I want, you can s*d off now.

MRS BATEMAN: Watch your lip. Mrs Beauchamp will see you at 4pm.

DIXIE: Like I'm scared of her.

(Mrs Bateman goes out. Dixie suddenly smiles.)

DIXIE: Okay, girls, which bed's free?

ROBYN: A-any one you w-want.

DIXIE: Hey, let's drop the act. I only put on my bitch face to fool the screws. Show those swines that you're getting on with your cell mates and what do they do? They split you up. Look as if you're scaring your roomies and the screws love it. So come on, which bed's free?

ZOE: You okay with the top bunk?

DIXIE: Fine by me, kid. (Holding out her hand) Kathleen Dixon, but I like Dixie.

ZOE: (Holding out her own hand.) Zoe Hanna.

ROBYN: (Shakily holding out her hand.) R-Robyn Miller.

DIXIE: I love that Robbo jacket.

ROBYN: Zoe made it.

DIXIE: Seriously, if I give you a couple of phone cards will you make me one as well?

ZOE: I'd love to.

(Dixie produces an even bigger hip flask than the one Zoe has, and holds it out.)

DIXIE: To us three.

(They hold up their glasses and sing to 'Together Wherever We Go' from Gypsy:)

DIXIE: Whatever we do, wherever we go,

We're gonna go through it together.

ZOE: Though we're stuck in here,

Our future is clear,

We'll all persevere, we're together.

ROBYN: Where ever I go I know she goes,

DIXIE: Where ever I go, I know thee goes,

ZOE: Whatever, the whole of us three goes, amigos, together.

(They start to do a little dance as quietly as possible.)

DIXIE: We start off quite fit,

ZOE: We flounder a bit-

(Robyn falls over and the others help her up.)

ALL: We end in the sh*t but we know

It's you for me and me for you,

We'll muddle through whatever we do,

Together wherever we go.

(Mrs Bateman raps on the door.)

MRS BATEMAN: Is everything all right in there?

ROBYN: (Putting on a whiney voice.) I'm scared Mrs Bateman!

MRS BATEMAN: You'll just have to be a big girl for once, Miller.

(Her footsteps recede. We hear her shouting.)

MRS BATEMAN: Walker, what are you doing skulking out here?

DIXIE: (Softly.) He was here when I came in, thought I couldn't see him. Aww I bet he was hanging around to protect you because he believed my badass act.

(Zoe looks pensive and her inner thoughts are suddenly revealed. This is 'Don't get me wrong'.)

ZOE: Don't get me wrong,

I can't stop the silly b*gger

From always trying to get right in my face.

Don't get me wrong

If he says "hello" with those lovestruck eyes

And he looks at me as if I'm his prize,

It's not my fault the boy's a basket case.

Don't get me wrong,

He's not making me distracted,

I'm sulking about the way I'm stuck

Within these prison walls.

Each thing he says

Sounds really over-acted,

I get the urge to kick him

In his horny little b*lls.

Don't get me wrong,

If I think I might just like him,

It's only till a better man

Than him might come along,

Don't get me wrong.

(As Robyn, Dixie and Zoe chat and giggle, we now see Max standing outside and hear his inner thoughts. This is Divine Comedy's 'Everybody knows that I love you'.)

MAX: Everybody knows that I love you,

Everybody knows that I need you,

Everybody knows that I do

Except you.

I told the morning sun, yes, I've told everyone.

A fat rat on the ledge, I drove it off the edge.

I told both of the Jeffs,

And got the 'look of death'

And I'll get through to you,

If it's the last thing I do.

Everybody knows that I love you, etc.

I told the prison cat,

He arched his back and spat,

I told folks passing by,

I made poor Charlie cry.

And I'll get through to you

If it's the last thing I do… oooohhh..

Everybody knows that I love you,

Everybody knows that I need you,

Everybody knows it's true

Except you.

(Dixie comes out.)

DIXIE: Message from Zoe. She says p*ss off.

END OF SCENE FIFTEEN

(


	10. Chapter 10

BLUE SCRUBS

ACT ONE SCENE SIXTEEN

HOLBY ZOO

(Mrs Bateman, to her disgust, has been told to accompany Rita, Ben and Calvino to the zoo. The zookeeper, Mr Adam Trueman, and his assistants, Sam and Tom, sing cheerfully to the tune of 'You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile' from 'Annie'.)

ADAM, SAM AND TOM: Hey, visitors, say, visitors, we've got news for you.

A town's not a proper town unless it has a zoo.

There ought to be a Sainsbury, a big Tesco too,

But people, it ain't a proper town without a zoo.

Who cares what they're selling in those swanky shopping malls?

A town that doesn't have a zoo is just a load of b*lls, I tell you.

So, prisoners, hey, prisoners, we've lots to teach you, especially

A town just ain't a town, in fact they get you down,

A town just ain't a town without a zoo, zoo, woo hoo hoo.

MRS BATEMAN: Excuse ME! Miss Freeman and myself are prison officers, not prisoners.

BEN: (Hopefully.) Are there penguins? I love penguins.

RITA: So do I but the wrappers are a pain to get off first.

MRS BATEMAN: Chiltern, you're here for work experience, not to gawp at penguins.

MR TRUEMAN: Now, er – Chiltern, we'll see if we can get some time in for you to throw some fish to the penguins later. But first of all it's time for a job that you won't like so much. The big cats are outside at the moment so Samantha and Tom here will be cleaning out their cages. I'm more than sure they'll appreciate your help. As for Miss Freeman and Mrs Bateman, you ladies can come for a nice cup of tea in my office while that little job's being done. Look after them, kids. This way ladies.

(He leads Tess and Rita away.)

SAM: What are your first names? We don't do surnames here.

BEN:} I'm Ben, he's Calvino.

CALVINO:} I'm Calvino, he's Ben.

SAM: (Making sheep's eyes at Calvino.) Are you Italian?

CALVINO: Balsovian.

SAM: You've got a gorgeous name to say you only come from Bolsover.

TOM: (Making sheep's eyes at Ben.) I don't care where you're from. I'll look after you while we muck out.

(Much later, they are all sitting in the picnic area. Rita has two big fluffy toy tigers and a turtle from the gift shop already.)

ADAM: Well, you certainly put your backs into that, lads. Well done. Okay, the ladies will be coming for lunch with me but we'll treat you guys to a sandwich and a tea each now you've had a good wash, and then it's the reptile house. Any of you scared of snakes?

BEN: No, I'm only scared of clowns.

TOM: Oh in that case, you don't want to come along to one of our special kiddies days then. We've got a clown called Professor Loppylugs who gives lectures.

(Ben shudders visibly.)

MRS BATEMAN: Don't be such a baby, Chiltern.

ADAM: (Tactfully.) Lunchtime, people.

SAM: (Whispering to Tom.) I don't want to make the trainees nervous but don't forget that Victor the Viper's been rehoused in the grass snake's cage.

TOM: (Only half concentrating.) Okay.

(Much later still, the action moves to the reptile house. Ben is stroking Victor, mistakenly thinking he's the grass snake.)

BEN: Aren't you cute? Yes, you like that, don't you? Fancy anybody being afraid of you, you're… (Victor bites his arm. Ben jumps in shock and then his breathing becomes rapid as Tom and Sam rush up.)

SAM: You didn't tell him about the viper did you, you klutz?

BEN: V-viper? (Suddenly going almost green.) Please get me to the gents, I think I'm going to throw up….

END OF SCENE SIXTEEN

SCENE SEVENTEEN

HOLBY INFIRMARY

(Ben is sleeping in one of the beds. Dylan comes over to monitor him. He sings to the tune of 'Remind Me', an old 40's number which is sung by Ella Fitzgerald on You Tube – Michael Ball also sang it in his 'Alone Together' concert.)

DYLAN: Remind me, not to find you so attractive, remind me that the world is full of men.

Though you must be treated, I daren't get overheated,

One slip and I'd be out and jobless then.

I had a feeling when I met you, you'd drive me crazy if I let you,

But all my efforts to forget you, remind me I need sex again.

I take my heart well in hand and I'm certain

That I can take you or leave you alone.

And then I see your blue eyes again, and wham, my heart flies again.

I have a will of steel, my friend, but when it seems about to bed,

Remind me not to tell myself I want you, remind me to be sorry that we met,

Although I adore you I can't lose my job for you,

You're one dream I must forget.

So when your charms begin to blind me, I'll simply tie my hands behind me,

Don't let me stroke your hair, remind me….

Unless, you b*st*rd, you forget.

(He is jolted from his reverie by the entrance of Max, who is almost white faced and distraught.)

MAX: Dr Keogh, please help me. I'm not eating or sleeping properly because of Zoe Hanna.

DYLAN: You need to keep your voice down, Walker, Chiltern's sleeping over there. He's only just recovered from that snake bite- look, lad, come over here near the door.

(They move to the door.)

MAX: I think people can die of broken hearts, Dr Keogh. I can feel mine going!

DYLAN: Look, lad. What do you want me to do? Drag her in here by the hair of her head and throw her at your feet?

MAX: (Enraged.) Don't you dare! You try that and I swear I'll punch you for it even if it means fifteen more years in this jail!

BEN: (Tossing in his sleep.) Mmmrf?

DYLAN: (Going to Ben.) It's okay, Chiltern, go back to sleep.

(Ben settles down.)

DYLAN: Right I'm off to get Hanna right now and shake some sense into her.

MAX: You'll have to get past me first!

DYLAN: (Shouting.) You can come in for your appointment now, Zoe!

(Zoe rushes in and throws her arms round Max.)

ZOE: You really love me. You were willing to do a longer sentence to protect me!

(They kiss passionately.)

DYLAN: Right you two, you can snog each other's faces off but I'll be singing over you as it's a musical. And try not to wake Chiltern, he's had a nasty snake bite.

(Despite saying this he sings "I Put My Hand In" which was the opening to the stage version of Hello Dolly, and to me far nicer that the other song they swapped it for.)

DYLAN: I have always been a person who arranges things,

For the pleasure and the profit it derives,

I have always been a person who arranges things,

Like timetables. And Dervla's grub. And lives.

When a hard bitch with a big mouth

Comes around bending everyone's ear,

Show her a photo of a kitty or a pup,

And you can bet your silk panties that that bitch will loosen up.

I put my hand in there, I put my hand in here.

When a sweet clumsy guy arrives, who's a quivering network of fear,

Get him in touch with that smart girl who does Tai Chi,

And soon that lad will be doing Lotus kicks both wild and free,

I put my hand in there, I put my hand in here.

I have always been a person who arranges things

It's my duty to assist the powers above.

I have always been a crafty guy who changes things

Like wallpaper. And crossword clues. And love.

My finesse at dramatic art turned a cad to a lad that can care.

Maybe his past was not exactly shiny bright,

I threatened his lovely lady, he was in like the White Knight.

I put my hand in here, I put my hand in…

Turn a little, twist a little, some hot babe gets kissed a little,

Pressure with the thumbs, love and passion comes when

I put my hand in there.

BEN: (Stirring again.) Mmmmrfff?

DYLAN: (Switching off the lights so Ben is fooled into going back to sleep.) Night Ben.

END OF SCENE SEVENTEEN

SCENE EIGHTEEN

THE PRISON COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING

A/N As I've done at least big Christmas storylines in Fierce Brave Gang, I decided to skip Christmas for Holby Jail and the action has now moved to the sad day in early February when Calvino is fit to move. This time there looks like no escape. He is being marched away by Griffiti and Van Aschenford as most of the staff – especially the ladies – sing to the tune of Bye Bye Birdie from the musical of the same name.)

ROBYN: Bye Calvino, we'll miss you such a lot,

Bye Calvino, why must you be shot?

EVERYBODY: We love you, Vino.

DIXIE: No more sunshine, you're taking it away,

I'll cry, Vino, till I'm old and grey.

LILY: I'll miss the way you smile as though it's just for me.

And each and every night I'll snivel miserably.

ETHAN: Bye Calvino, this whole thing makes me sick.

Bye Calvino-

(To Griffiti, who is pushing Calvino.) Don't do that, you pr*ck.

RITA: When I think of your death

I'm like a raging beast,

Tonight I'm going to need

Three migraine pills at least.

ALL: Bye Calvino. Reprieves can still come through.

Bye Calvino, we'll all pray for you..oo…ooo,

We'll all pray for you.

(Connie comes clickety clacking through in her highest ever heels. She has two suitcases.)

CONNIE: It's not over yet, Calvino. Rita and I are coming to Balsovia to talk to the man who won't prove your innocence.

GRIFFITI: You will be wasting your money. Better spend it on Louboutins.

CHARLIE FAIRHEAD: (Standing in the background and delighted to have his first spoken line.) You don't know our Connie.

CONNIE: Are you ready, Rita? I've packed for you.

RITA: (Jumping up and down.) I'm invited! I'm invited!

CONNIE: Rita, you helped me book the airline tickets!

ALL: Bye Calvino, you stick with Connie, pet,

Bye Calvino, she may save you yet.

(The prisoners wave to Calvino who waves back bravely as he is marched off. Connie and Rita follow.)

END OF SCENE EIGHTEEN

END OF ACT ONE

(


	11. Chapter 11

BLUE SCRUBS

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

THE TOWN SQUARE/THE CAFÉ BONKETTI/THE TOWN SQUARE, BALSOVIA

(The crowd is lined up in the square to watch the execution. A post in front of a wall at the back indicates just where this will take place. The people sing somewhat heartlessly to each other. The actual music is part of 'What a Day' from an opera called Candide, I've kept some of the original words because they're funny in a twisted kind of way. I do not own the music or lyrics to Candide, because if I did I'd be filthy-rich! The same with Casualty.)

CROWD: What a day, what a day, to blow someone away,

He will find that his murdering deed did not pay,

What a day, not a cloud, what a wonderful crowd,

And poor Guido himself, he would be more than proud.

(Two women sing to each other.)

WOMEN: What a nice place to meet, gosh, you saved a great seat,

With the ticket demands, that has been no mean feat.

Are the warm-up acts cool? What's he look like, this fool?

Should I get my binoculars out?

They say he's strong and tall, Hey, I'm going to cat-call,

I might get a mean look if he hears me, and all.

The main act will be good, when they've cleaned up the blood

We can meet on the street and have lunch!

(Connie and Rita arrive with official passes. They push the two horrible women out of the way and get right to the front.)

RITA: Oh Connie, what if we can't save him?

CONNIE: If we say we can get further evidence, they'll halt the execution for a couple of hours. Then it's up to you my little lotus blossom.

RITA: (Terrified.) Ooooh!

(Leonardo Lyoni, the real killer, sidles up to the front as well.)

LYONI: (Aside.) Soon Calvini will be dead and my part in the assassination will die with him!

(Rita and Connie spot Fletchini in the crowd.)

CONNIE: Go get him Tiger.

(Rita slips through the crowd. The two horrible women try to take her place and get Connie's elbows in their ribs.)

CONNIE: See this pass? I'm with the government. You two… back off.

RITA: (Purring to Fletchini.) You're gorgeous. Can I stand with you?

FLETCHINI: (Preening.) I would be honoured. What is your name?

RITA: Claire.

FLETCHINI: So pretty. Do you like the football?

RITA: I know a LOT about football. Oooh look! He's coming!

(Calvino is marched in by a squad of soldiers and tied to the post. Rita sobs.)

CONNIE: (Calling over to her.) Rita, you need to be strong right now. Okay?

(She suddenly yells.)

CONNIE: STOP THE EXECUTION!

TWO WOMEN: Shut it bitch face!

(But the President of Balsovia, Lisa Duffini, glares at them.)

LISA: Madam can you justify your interruption?

CONNIE: I can, President Duffini. Will you give me two hours to try and prove this man's innocence?

LISA: Granted. But be warned, if you cannot bring this evidence, you will be tried for disrupting a public execution and the penalty for that is a month in prison here.

CALVINO: Mrs Beauchamp, please do not take the risk!

CONNIE: I will see justice done if I can, Calvino. Madam President, I will take that risk.

LISA: We shall reassemble here in two hours.

SOLDIER: (Nudging Calvino.) What shall we do with HIM?

LISA: Take him for a pee and something to eat.

(They lead him off again.)

CONNIE: It's up to you now, Rita Skeeter.

(Rita goes all mushy at her nickname.)

(Now the action moves to the café Bonketti. Rita and Fletchini are sipping cappuccinos.)

FLETCHINI: So, pretty Claire, what is your surname?

RITA: (Making her voice scary.) VOYANT! I can foresee the future and even the afterlife, and I know you have a crime concealed in your past that is rotting your heart with remorse.

FLETCHINI: (Hastily.) Isn't this cappuccino tasty?

RITA: (Grimly.) There are no cappuccinos in hell.

FLETCHINI: I should be going…

RITA: If you go now you will be letting a terrible crime happen and I don't mean not paying for the drinks. You know who really killed Selfini, yet because of an old grudge, you keep silent. And an innocent man will die today. Now you may think you have got away with that nicely but in the afterlife… ohhhhh! And Adriano my friend, your hell will be a special hell for a football fan. Listen!

(She sings, and sorry, it's another Giblet and Sullivan number. This is the Lord Chancellor's first entrance from 'Iolanthe'.)

RITA: When you are dead and to hell you go, at first you'll think it's a wonderful show,

Eternal matches played by your team, but please don't think it's a wonderful dream.

For they'll play so badly the crowd will jeer, they'll spit and heckle and smirk and sneer,

Again, again, and once more again, you'll see your team put through shame and pain.

And as they walk from the pitch in tears, a small boy walks up to box their ears.

A dreadful afterlife for a man who's such a devoted football fan.

FLETCHINI: (A little uneasy.) A dreadful afterlife for a man who's such a devoted football fan.

RITA: The scene then changes, son of a bitch, you'll see yourself playing on the pitch.

But you'll hog the ball and you'll miss the goals till you're punched and kicked by your team, poor souls.

The winning goal is needed now, and you go for it but Holy Cow!

You score an own goal, a stupid trick- up comes the referee… It's old Nick.

And as he drags you through dung and flame, you wake again… to relive the game.

Eternal torment for a man who's such a devoted football fan.

FLETCHINI: (Shaking and sobbing.) Eternal torment for this man who's such a devoted football fan.

FLETCHINI: Claire! Come with me! I am going to the town square to stop Calvino Calvini's execution!

RITA: Once you have spoken the powers that be will cancel your torture. You did good, pal.

(They throw the cappuccino glasses to the ground as if they are drinking vodka, and then run back to the town square. So, back at the town square, two hours later, the women are still in Connie's face and Lyoni is still smirking in the crowd.)

LYONI: (Aside.) Fletchini will not speak. Calvini will die and my crime will be hidden forever.

(Calvini is marched in again but this time the soldiers are looking puzzled.)

SOLDIERS: President, is it a go? Execute him, yes or no?

CONNIE:}

RITA:} NOOOOOOOOO!

FLETCHINI:}

(Fletchini sings to the tune of – and I do apologise for this – 'Inside Out, Bouncing off the Ceiling by the A Team.)

FLETCHINI: Dear President, you're not amused, that afternoon, I was confused,

My legal powers I abused, I told a dreadful 'whopper'.

It made me cry-y-y when poor Selfini fell,

And you know why-y-y? I should have called a copper.

Inside out, bouncing off the ceiling, too upset the crime to be revealing,

Poor Calvini's for the chop, I might be crazy but the lies have got to stop.

Cal wasn't even in the frame, for he was playing at another game,

He was canoodling with a high-class dame, and showering her with kisses.

Lyoni shot-ot-ot Selfini in the head.

That wench so hot-ot-ot, it was Selfini's Missus.

Inside out, bouncing off the ceiling, Cal kept shtum, didn't like revealing

He'd been doing adultery, but he's no killer so it's time you set him free.

(Pandemonium. Rita wags her finger at Calvini, as the soldiers untie him. But alas Lyoni is determined to make a break for it. He aims a gun at Fletchini. Connie, being the brave lady she is, throws herself across Fletchini to protect him as the shot rings out. She falls, blood seeping over her white blouse, as Calvino runs to her. The marksmen soon make short work of Lyoni.)

RITA: (Sobbing.) Connie! Oh I'll never help anybody else as long as I live!

END OF ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

(


	12. Chapter 12

BLUE SCRUBS

ACT TWO SCENE TWO

HOLBY PRISON, THE COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING

(Everybody is in turmoil and desparately awaiting news of Connie and Rita. Max and Zoe are blowing kisses to each other from their places in the queues and for once Mrs Bateman is turning a blind eye. Her eyes are suspiciously red as it is. Sorry for yet another old song, this is to the tune of The Bold Gendarmes, which was originally part of an Offenbach operetta, but now mainly performed in old time music halls. The tune fits what I need here.)

PRISONERS: We're all agog with fear and worry-

JEFF ONE: I was too shocked to have my tea –

PRISONERS: Oh how I wish the doc would hurry,

Put us out of our misery.

If any harm has come to Connie,

We'll get the man who did her in.

We'll slit his throat-

We'll spill his guts-

We'll crack his skull-

We'll fry his nuts,

He'll learn that bad guys never win.

MRS BATEMAN: (Speaking.) For goodness sake, do you lot never listen? The guy who shot Mrs Beauchamp and who commited the crime that Mr Calvini was accused of has been killed by Balsovian marksmen.

JEFF MAC: Oh it's MR Calvini now he's one of you lot, is it? Blah!

MRS BATEMAN: Just showing respect to the law-abiding members of society. Apparently Mr Calvini tore off his shirt and used it to staunch Mrs Beauchamp's wound.

MAX: (Shouting across to Zoe.) I'd do that for you.

ZOE: (Shouting back.) I'd expect you to throw yourself in front of me in the first place!

BEN: (Softly because this is probably the only time he dares say it with all the background noise going on.) I'd take a bullet for Dr Keogh.

(Dylan suddenly appears; he has been making his way quietly through the crowd. He gives Ben a long look.)

PRISONERS: Doctor Keogh! Doctor Keogh! Will Mrs B pull through?

Doctor Keogh! Doctor Keogh! What are they going to do?

(DYLAN sings to a little bit of music from The Marriage of Figaro. I admit I've used this tune in Holby the Opera but this is just a snippet and I like it so here it comes again.)

DYLAN: Mrs Beauchamp was shot in the shoulder,

She'll be fine if she does what I've told her,

Now I'm off for the day's getting older,

And I want to be out with the dog.

ALL: Now he's off for the day's getting older,

And he wants to be out with the dog.

(As a big finish.) Out with the dog, diggity dog, doggity dooooooggg.

MRS BATEMAN: (Visibly relieved.) But when will she be back, Mr Keogh?

DYLAN: (Singing flippantly.) She'll be coming back to Holby when she comes, when she comes..

(Speaking.) She'll be back at the beginning of April, okay? Chiltern, don't forget our day out tomorrow.

(Catcalls. Dylan walks out singing under his breath:)

DYLAN: She'll be wearing Rita's panties when she comes…

JEFF COLLIER: What's all that about a date with Keyhole, Chiltern?

BEN: We're going to Flowery Vales nursing home to see if that old lady who knows about the bank robbery's remembered anything.

MAX: You're flogging a dead horse there, mate. Still, it's a day out and there'll probably be tea and buns. Don't you go bullying the old dear into speaking up now, Chillo.

MRS BATEMAN: There's about as much chance of Chiltern bullying an old lady as there is of me pole dancing.

(Howls of derisive laughter.)

BEN: (Aside.) It isn't tea and buns I need.

MRS BATEMAN: Well, that's the update. Back to work or classes.

ROBYN: (Excitedly.) I'm going to knit a scarf for Mrs Beauchamp in crafts class, Mrs Bateman.

MRS BATEMAN: That's nice Miller. Maybe you can all do a group project and make her something really special?

BEN: I've got a poem in my head, Mrs Bateman.

MRS BATEMAN: Want to tell us?

BEN: We love Mrs Beauchamp, she's pretty and she's kind.

And if we all mess up a bit she doesn't seem to mind.

She's helpful if we want to learn

And cares if we are sad.

So here's to Mrs Beauchamp,

The best screw I've ever had.

(Screams of laughter.)

MRS BATEMAN: (Grimly.) I need a word, Chiltern, about your use of phrases. If I thought you were doing it on purpose you wouldn't be going to the Nursing Home tomorrow, but seeing as you're monumentally stupid, I'll let it pass. Follow me.

BEN: (Bright red.) I realise what I've said now.

MRS BATEMAN: Too late. We can still discuss how useless you are.

(He follows her, looking deeply wounded.)

JEFF COLLIER: Poor Ben. He's missing his cellmate. Bateman's an evil bitch when she feels like it.

ROBYN: I think she's just shocked about Mrs Beauchamp.

UNNAMED FEMALE CONVICT: Why don't you go and kiss her arse, Miller?

(Zoe and Dixie back the female convict into a corner. A fight ensues. Mrs Bateman, a crushed looking Ben and Charlie Fairhead come back out.)

MRS BATEMAN: Stop this at once!

(No response. The fight goes on. Max goes to restrain one of the women who has just punched Zoe.)

CHARLIE: (Bawling.) STOPPPPITTT!

(The fight stops.)

MRS BATEMAN: Right, just to let you know there's a party and some karaoke scheduled for tonight to celebrate Mrs Beauchamp's rescue and recovery. BUT it's just been cancelled.

JEFF BIG MAC: (Nearly crying.) I could have made pink buns.

MRS BATEMAN: Work and cells now.

(They file out but turn around again as they hear Mrs Bateman and Charlie singing to the tune of 'Kids' from 'Bye Bye Birdie.' Yes, when I like a musical I use a lot of tunes from it!)

CHARLIE:} CONS! What the hell's the matter with cons today?

MRS BATEMAN:} Cons! Who can understand all the crap they say?

Stupid, nagging, whining, useless, make you want to weep.

CHARLIE: Dirty, devious, bitter, twisted nut jobs, and while we're on the subject,

CONS! They're the vilest poison in Holby town.

MRS BATEMAN: Cons! They'll nick anything if it's not nailed down.

BOTH: Why can't they be like we are, perfect in every way?

Oh what's the matter with cons today?

(The prisoners come back and sing:)

PRISONERS: SCREWS! You're just one big bully and one old fart,

BEN: Screws! Just get one word wrong and they break your heart.

ZOE: Nagging, whining homophobics, make you want to puke,

DIXIE: Devious, twisted nut jobs on a mission! And while we're on the subject-

SCREWS! They're a living advert for birth control!

ROBYN: Screws! With their ancient dances like rock and roll!

ALL: Why can't they be like we are? Streetwise in every way?

Oh that's the matter with screws today!

(The prisoners file out and Mrs Bateman weeps all over Charlie, who looks as if he wants to make a run for it.)

END OF SCENE TWO

(Sorry this is a shorter scene than normal, but won't be back online till the wee small hours… a certain TV programme is on tonight.)

(


	13. Chapter 13

BLUE SCRUBS

A/N Thanks for all the continuing encouragement, it's lovely. Yes that aria of Dylan's was 'non piu andrai', I just love that one. I should explain this is an entirely fictional background for Ethan, especially as Cal isn't his brother in this scenario, but a separate character.

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

THE GYMNASIUM NEXT MORNING

(Ethan has come to catch Lily early before her class. She gives him a frosty smile.)

LILY: So how is the artist formerly known as Ethan Hardy?

ETHAN: I need to explain that. Hardy was my real surname but I wanted nothing more to do with my parents because they dumped me in care, so I changed it to Raceheart.

LILY: A name straight out of Mills and Boon is an improvement?

ETHAN: (Shyly.) I liked it.

LILY: As if anybody would marry a man called Raceheart.

ETHAN: (Suddenly stepping out of character and bawling at her.) WELL NOBODY'S ASKING YOU!

LILY: Beware. I have a bottle of Calvin Klein in my pocket.

(This next song is 'I can do without you' from Calamity Jane. A bit old but it's a great 'argument' song:)

ETHAN: In the summer, you're the thunder.

LILY: In a great plan, you're the blunder.

BOTH: You're the cockroach in the stew…eeeewww..

I can do without you.

LILY: At a demo, you're the cop.

ETHAN: In the theatre, you're the flop.

BOTH: Oh you'd get a vile review, pal.

I can do without you.

ETHAN: You can go to work in Inverness,

Take a plane back to Shanghai.

LILY: Move right now, I have a sudden urge

To spit right in your eye.

ETHAN: In the office, you're the creep.

LILY: In the flock, you're the black sheep.

(Getting out her bottle.) Have some Calvin Klein, now, do…..

(They hear a sudden bumping and bouncing from behind the vaulting horse and run over to it. They look over it and gasp:)

LILY: Hanna!

ETHAN: Walker!

(Zoe and Max run out in their underwear, carrying their clothes.)

ETHAN: ('Joseph' fans will recognise this bit:) You two filthy prisoners, your crime has shocked me to the core.

Never in my whole career have I encountered this before…

I'm taking you to see Mrs B-

LILY: Raceheart, don't you dare. You'll miss Tai Chi!

ETHAN: BUGGER TAI CHI!

(Poor Lily faints in shock. Ethan runs over to her anxiously while Max and Zoe sidle out.)

ETHAN: (Yelling after them.) This incident isn't closed! (Gently.) Lily, I didn't mean it, sweetheart. (Taking the stopper out of the perfume bottle he shoves it under her nose.) Here you go, look…

(She comes round, snatches it from him and throws it against the wall as the class files in.)

JEFF COLLIER: Pooh, smells like a tart's boudoir in here.

LILY: That's okay. Mr Raceheart – or maybe tomorrow he'll be Mr Fruitbat – is going to clean it up for us.

ETHAN: I'll get you for this. (Aside.) Because you're getting to me more than I care to admit.

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR

FLOWERY VALES NURSING HOME, LATER THAT DAY

(Mrs Flavia Mottershaw, the old lady who saw the bank robbery, is sitting listening to Fifty Shades of Grey on her I pad. Honey, her carer, brings Ben and Dylan through. )

DYLAN: (Aside to Ben.) Remember you're only not cuffed because you're on trust, but any monkey business and you can kiss your nuts goodbye.

BEN: (In a hurt whisper.) I wouldn't do anything in here, they're old people.

HONEY: Flavia, two nice young men to see you, look. (Flavia just looks engrossed in her story. Honey gently removes the I pad. Flavia squeaks in rage.)

FLAVIA: I was listening to that!

HONEY: You always listen to the same bits over and over again anyway. Do you remember this young man?

FLAVIA: (Smiling at Ben.) Hello dear. Are you Johnny Depp? I like him.

BEN: No Mrs Mottershaw, I'm Ben.

FLAVIA: (Hopefully.) Affleck?

BEN: Chiltern. Mrs Mottershaw, do you remember when you went to the bank one day and there was a car outside with me in it?

FLAVIA: Ummm…. (suddenly triumphant.) Yes. You were there with three bad boys.

(Dylan high-fives Ben which thrills the latter to bits.)

BEN: Can you remember what they said to me?

FLAVIA: They were going into the bank to overdraw a big lot of money.

BEN: Yes! Oh Mrs Mottershaw, you're wonderful.

DYLAN: Don't plan your packing yet, Chiltern. She still has to say whether or not she thought you were in on it.

(But he is smiling as he adjusts his tape recorder.)

BEN: Did you think I knew they were going to do something bad, Mrs Mottershaw?

FLAVIA: Well of COURSE you knew, dear. Overdrawing is a very bad thing.

BEN: Did you – um – think I knew they were going to do something worse?

FLAVIA: When's tea time? Honey, when's tea time?

HONEY: Soon, darling. But this nice young man-

BEN: (Smiling.) That reminds me, we've brought you some pink buns. One of my inm… um… friends, made them and I wanted you to have them.

(He holds out the bag of buns. Honey gently intervenes.)

HONEY: Sorry, pet. Because you come from a prison these have to be lab tested to see whether you've sneaked any truth drug into them first.

BEN: Your security's more scary than ours!

FLAVIA: You're a mean girl, Honey Wright. You know I like buns with my tea. Now go away all of you. I want to sleep and have filthy dreams of Mr Darcy.

HONEY: (To Ben and Dylan.) Sorry, darlings. We have to let them sleep if they ask for it and I don't think you'll get any more out of her today. But please feel free to come back.

(Ben's face crumples in disappointment. But, being Ben, he goes over to Flavia and kisses her cheek.)

BEN: I'll try to come back to see you soon Mrs Mottershaw.

FLAVIA: (Nodding off.) I know you've got concerts to do, Ollie. Fancy me having a visit from Ollie Murs!

DYLAN: Ollie Wally, more like. But you behaved yourself, Chiltern, and it'll go in my report. Now move it. If we go now we can cut across the park before that storm starts. Thank you for your help, Ms-?

HONEY: (Beaming.) Wright. Honey Wright.

BEN: Thank you, Honey.

DYLAN: You talk when I tell you, Chiltern. Come on.

(They leave. Honey does a little dance of glee. Mrs Mottershaw stirs.)

MRS MOTTERSHAW: Now Darcy Bussell's come! Oh what a lovely day…

END OF SCENE FOUR

SCENE FIVE

THE PARK

(Ben and Dylan run through the park but the rain starts to pound down.)

DYLAN: There's nobody in the bandstand, come on!

(They run to the bandstand and get under shelter. Dylan looks at Ben standing there with his big eyes and curls wet with raindrops, and he can stand no more.)

DYLAN: I told you to hurry up, Chiltern. I TOLD you!

(A lightning flash. Ben jumps nervously and his eyes are even wider with unease.)

DYLAN: You're really just a little puppy, Ben, aren't you? Come here.

(And, as this has been building up inside him ever since Ben came to Holby jail, he grabs Ben and pulls him in for a kiss.)

(A while later they are both standing there gazing at each other in wonder. Then Dylan becomes his usual self.)

DYLAN: You will not tell anybody about this, Ben, or you will wake up dead one morning.

BEN: I'll not say a word. But it still happened.

DYLAN: (Grimly.) Balls, I'm going to get moving again. You'd better catch me up, Chiltern, or I'll report you as trying to escape.

BEN: You're beautiful when you're angry.

DYLAN: (Slapping Ben's face but very gently.) Stop that!

(He runs off. Ben sings – this is 'Yes My Heart' from a musical called Carnival, and the words are so gorgeous I'm hardly making any alterations here. You can find a version by a very young Anne Hathaway, or a version by Michael Ball from his 'Alone Together' album on You Tube. I do not own any of the music I use.)

BEN: I am dizzy, I am whirling, I feel like my hair is curling

All around my head,

I must pinch myself to see if this has happened, and to me,

It's like a lucky bird shat upon my head!

Ordinarily I'm meek but I can raise a fuss and shriek,

See that cloud? I just might jump right up and take a bite but

For a while I will stand completely still,

My heart's trying to tell me something.

Yes, my heart, begin, speak or pound or spin,

Tell me something, tell me something!

Yes my heart, he's wonderful,

Yes my heart, this is our chance,

For a while I will stand completely still,

Then I'll have to jump and spin and stand and sit and giggle and grin,

And leap and prance, and laugh and sing and dance!

(He runs off joyfully after Dylan.)

END OF SCENE FIVE

(


	14. Chapter 14

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

THE COURTYARD BEWEEN Y AND Z WING

(The staff and inmates line up to welcome Connie and Rita back to Holby jail again. They sing to the tune of 'Do you hear the people sing' from Les Mis:)

ALL: Do you hear the people sing?

Our Mrs Beauchamp's back today,

She's the bravest girl we've heard of

In the whole of the UK.

TESS: I love her great integrity,

JACOB: I love her long and sexy legs.

TESS: Robyn, step forward, dear, hand over the Easter Eggs.

(Robyn, thrilled to be chosen, comes forward with two massive Easter eggs.)

ROBYN: There's an Easter egg for Rita, and an Easter egg for you,

We saved all our spends to buy them and we don't regret it too.

RITA: There's nothing as lovely as choccy to go with a brew!

CONNIE: Thank you people, one and all,

Who wants to celebrate with us?

(Cheers from everybody.) So tonight there'll be a party and it will be glorious.

Jeff Big Mac has made pink buns,

Inmates can all stay up till ten.

Cons and screws alike, it's great to be back again.

(Tess kindly keeps her mouth shut about the mini riot so the day's not spoiled but she gives Zoe and Max a 'just you wait till tomorrow morning' look. Connie gives Rita a 'won't we have fun with all that melted chocolate' look. Lily steps forward and does a wonderful dance with huge ribbons. Ethan tries to look bored but can't help smiling. Then Ethan does a tap dance to 'Happy Feet' and Lily does manage to look bored because she's hard as nails at the side of Ethan.)

MRS BATEMAN: (Aside.) This place gets more like Britain's Got Talent every day. I feel so old!

(Connie and Rita walk to Connie's office to tremendous applause. Then Mrs Bateman says grimly to Zoe and Max:)

MRS BATEMAN: For you, the party is over.

END OF SCENE SIX

SCENE SEVEN

CONNIE'S OFFICE

(Max and Zoe are being reprimanded by Connie, who is trying to stay cross with them but Rita's presence under the desk is making it hard.)

CONNIE: In the gym of all places! Zoe, you're doing ten years for manslaughter and Max, you're doing ten for fraud. You've committed crimes, you cannot expect to be entitled to a normal sex life.

ZOE: I suppose that's snookered what we were going to ask you then.

CONNIE: What would that be?

ZOE: We want to get married in here.

CONNIE: Why the heck would you get married in here?

MAX: Because ten years is a hell of a long time.

CONNIE: Don't take that tone with me, Max. You robbed old ladies of their life savings.

ZOE: He's sorry he did it though. He cries about it in the night.

CONNIE: (Frostily.) And how would you know that?

(They both look ashamed. A giggling noise comes from under the desk.)

CONNIE: As you weren't caught red-handed visiting each others' cells, I shan't punish you for it but don't pull that stroke again. As for getting married, you prove you've both reformed and we'll see. Now beat it before I change my mind about the rules you've broken.

ZOE: Do we still get to go to the party?

CONNIE: As long as you don't do anything you wouldn't do in front of your mothers.

(They go, looking suitably chastised. Rita crawls out from under the desk, giggling.)

RITA: Awww, a Holby wedding would be lovely. Robyn as a bridesmaid, the Jeffs as best men…

CONNIE: (Tenderly.) You're mad, Freeman.

(A knock at the door. Ben stands there with a letter.)

CONNIE: Come in, Ben. Dr Keogh said your visit to Flowery Vales was a pretty good start.

BEN: Oh it was. She's an old sweetheart. By the way, this came for you.

(Connie looks at the postmark and looks a little worried.)

CONNIE: Okay, thanks Ben. We'll see about another trip to Flowery Vales soon. Oh… the buns went down well so tell Jeff Big Mac to get his pinny on.

BEN: (Smiling.) Will do. Thanks Mrs Beauchamp.

(He goes out.)

RITA: Wonder what put the spring into his step?

(But Connie is opening the letter with a worried expression.)

CONNIE: (Reading.) It's from Jordan and Meyer. They want to meet me in two months to see the progress and give their verdict on continued funding. Oh dear.

RITA: We can pull it off, Connie. In two months we can have this place ready for inspection.

(She sings to the tune of 'You won't be an Orphan for Long' from 'Annie'.)

RITA: If you request a total clean, then you will get a total clean.

With all the favours that you've done

The cons here really owe you one.

The Jeffs will cook some top class grub,

While Ben and Dixie brush and scrub.

Zoe and Max will both behave,

Robyn will be your willing slave,

So you won't have your worries for long.

CONNIE: We'll organise a gym display,

I'll summon Ethan right away,

He can muck in with Dr Chao,

Because they get on fine, I know.

BOTH: This afternoon the work begins,

For we're the team that always wins.

We'll all work till we drop, and we'll come out on top,

And we won't have our worries for long!

(Ominous music in the background.)

END OF SCENE SEVEN

SCENE EIGHT

THE VEGETABLE GARDEN, OUTSIDE Y WING

(Ben is on garden duty, and singing to himself to the tune of 'English Country Garden' as Dylan walks down to find him.)

BEN:) (Digging merrily.) Da da di da da da da di doo,

In an English prison garden,

Lots of nice veg are coming up for you

In an English prison garden.

Turnips leeks and carrots,

Carrots, turnips, leeks….

DYLAN: Chiltern, that's the most stupid song I've ever heard in my life.

BEN: (Looking straight at him.) I know, I'm just so happy.

DYLAN: Don't be. (Bluntly.) Ben, I'm leaving Holby soon.

(Ben looks totally gutted.)

BEN: Please, I'll be more discreet, I swear.

DYLAN: It's not all about you, Ben Bighead. I've been accepted to work in a top class clinic in London so I'm cutting all ties and moving there by the beginning of June.

BEN: (Flatly.) Well good for you.

DYLAN: Keep digging, moron, we're being watched.

(Ben, a furious expression on his face, keeps digging.)

DYLAN: This is my opportunity to break away from all this crap. If it's any consolation you are the least crappy of all the crap. But I have to grab my chance for fame with both hands.

(Ben takes a deep breath, trying to keep his temper.)

BEN: Do you think you'll keep up with everybody there, though? I'm not being nasty asking, but they always look such a posh bunch on the telly.

DYLAN: Benjamin, just two words for you. Bull and shit. That's all those rich patients need to hear. Listen:

(This is to the tune of 'Razzle Dazzle' from 'Chicago.')

DYLAN: Give 'em the old Keogh hokum, Dylandazzle 'em.

Fawn on the phone for all eternity,

Sweet talk those daft tarts on Maternity,

Give 'em the old Keogh magic, fool and feather 'em,

How can they see with spots before their eyes?

What if your breast enhancement's clumsy,

And the girl goes to whine to Mumsie?

Dylandazzle 'em,

And they'll never get wise.

Give 'em the old Keogh porkies,

Dylandazzle 'em.

Whip an appendix out mistakenly,

Put on an act and weep heartbreakin'ly,

Give 'em the old Doctor's jargon,

Fool and flatter 'em,

Show what a splendid liar you just are.

After you've grovelled, fawned and sucked up,

They'll soon forget the way you – messed up.

Dylandazzle 'em

You can bet you'll go far.

BEN: (Softly.) Does it really not matter to you that you've broken my heart?

DYLAN: (Offhand.) Um… not really. See you around till June.

(He swaggers off, leaving a devastated Ben slamming the spade angrily into the earth.)

BEN: (Suddenly shocked.) Oh no I just cut a poor worm in half!

END OF SCENE EIGHT

(


	15. Chapter 15

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE NINE

ZOE, DIXIE AND ROBYN'S CELL, A MONTH LATER

(Zoe is looking at 'Brides' magazine and singing with Dixie and Robyn to the tune of 'Chapel of Love', an old 60's hit:)

ZOE: Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married.

DIXIE: Going to the chapel and they're gonna get married.

ROBYN: Mrs Beauchamp says they can, they're gonna get married,

ALL: Going to the chapel of love.

ZOE: Spring is here and skies are blue, woah woah woah,

Soon my man and I will say I do,

I need to get myself some

Less scabby shoes and we'll

Never be lonely any more.

ALL: Going to the chapel, etc.

ROBYN: See this dress here, page eighteen,

It's just the cutest thing I've ever seen.

ZOE: Rob, I'd end up .looking like an ancient drag queen.

ROBYN: And now I'm not friends with Zoe any more!

ALL: But still we're going to the chapel, etc.

(Mrs Bateman comes in without knocking.)

MRS BATEMAN: Very pretty, but please don't forget it's only if Holby gets funded again that there'll be a wedding here. We could all be moving on to another prison if Mrs Beauchamp's turned down this time. You won't even know till June at the earliest.

ZOE: (In mock horror.) Oooh dear I wonder if my bump will show by then?

(Mrs Bateman opens her gob three or four times like a landed cod, and runs out of the cell. Dixie, Tess and Zoe hold on to each other laughing.)

(A little later Mrs Beauchamp stands at the cell door, trying to look cross but failing.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: It's not funny to kid poor Mrs Bateman you're pregnant, Zoe. Although the way you and Max have flouted all the rules, I wouldn't be surprised. Supposing she'd have rushed you over to Dr Keogh? Wouldn't you have been embarrassed?

DIXIE: Dr Keogh's up his own bum lately since he got that offer of that job in Harley Street.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Dixie! Respect please.

ROBYN: I think his news has upset Ben. Maybe he's scared the new doctor will be mean to him. Or he could be shy because it's a lady doctor.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: I'll have a little word with him. Now I've got paperwork to do with Rita, so try to behave yourselves.

(She goes out. As soon as her footsteps recede, Zoe starts bouncing on her bunk.)

ZOE: No chance, Connie baby!

(The force of her bouncing catapults poor Robyn straight out on to the floor.)

END OF SCENE NINE

SCENE TEN

THE VEGETABLE GARDEN, OUTSIDE Y WING

(The Jeffs are helping Ben to dig.)

JEFF COLLIER: We've decided to make the new doctor's life a misery as a protest about Dr Keogh leaving. We're going to pretend we've got all sorts of embarrassing stuff like big spots on our asses and stuff like that. Want to join in?

BEN: (Quietly.) No thank you.

JEFF BIG MAC: Well you've been a right little misery guts since we found out Keogh was going.

JEFF COLLIER: Anybody would think you'd been having it off with him and-

(He suddenly sees Ben's face.) Oh… you were.

BEN: Keep it down, do you really want it all over this nick?

(He sings to the tune of 'We Don't Cry out Loud' because I like gender bending songs. Again because it's a musical only the Jeffs hear his confession.)

BEN: Yes I'll cry when Doctor K leaves town,

But life goes on, I've got my mates and studies,

He preferred the fame, and let me down,

But I'll be strong and carry on for my buddies.

(Group hug between the three of them.) Although the pain inside has left me numb

I had a damned good teacher – my old mum.

We don't cry out loud. Chilterns survive, learn how to hide our feelings,

Fly high and proud. And if we should fall,

Well that's how fate kicks us in the balls.

JACOB: (Bawling across.) Calm down that digging, Chiltern. You're uprooting the veggies.

BEN: Sorry Mr Masters.

(Jacob comes over.)

JACOB: Hey if this is about your next trip to Flowery Vale, don't sweat it. I can take you or the new doctor can.

JEFFS: (Pretending to spit.) New doctor. Blah. Dozy old bat most likely.

JACOB: You two want to go down the block?

JEFF BIG MAC: No… and it's Keogh we should hate, deserting us all.

BEN: (With a twisted smile.) Oh, who cares?

JACOB: That's the spirit, Chiltern.

(He goes off to reprimand Max who is making a skipping rope of the garden hose.)

JEFF BIG MAC: Remember that song we sang at the beginning of Act Two about how we'd get the guy who got Connie? Let's sing it again, but about the new doctor.

JEFFS: When that new doctor comes here creeping, we'll happily show the old girl out.

We'll both torment her when she's sleeping, we'll turn her brain without a doubt.

We'll be there at her door each morning, and afternoon and evening too.

"I've got a rash, it's on my rear, just pull my trousers down, me dear"

Yes, that's just what we're going to do.

"I've got sore nuts! Ooh I feel sick! Come here please Miss and rub my…."

(They tail off as a pretty young woman makes her way towards them.)

JEFF COLLIER: New English teacher, bet you anything.

YOUNG WOMAN: I'm so sorry, I've lost my way; I need to go to see Mrs Beauchamp and Dr Keogh. My name's Doctor Harrison. Doctor Jessica Harrison.

(Jacob has noticed her and comes hurrying over. Even Ben has to laugh at the horny expressions on the Jeffs' faces.)

JEFFS: (To the same tune they were just singing.)

JEFFS: We'll take you there, now don't you fret, we've never lost a lady yet,

You know you're always safe with us.

We'll take you there – you do smell nice – just step this way, that's our advice,

You know you're always safe with us.

JACOB: Sorry guys. You know the rules. You keep digging and I'll escort Doctor Harrison.

(He swaggers off with Jessica on his arm.)

JEFFS: Ohh we so want to get sick now!

END OF SCENE TEN

(


	16. Chapter 16

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE ELEVEN

A CLASSROOM IN HOLBY COLLEGE

(An original character, Ms Liversedge, is teaching. As usual poor Mrs Bateman has been assigned to go along to keep an eye on the day release prisoners who are attending this class.)

MS LIVERSEDGE: Max, have you done your poetry homework?

MAX: Yes Ms Liversedge; I have it right here.

MS LIVERSEDGE: Now class, you'll remember you were asked to take the first line of an old ballad and make a new poem about it. Max, read us what you've written.

MAX: The minstrel boy to the wars is gone,

His girlfriend's sleeping with everyone.

His brother's wearing his favourite mac-

There'll be a punch-up when he comes back.

(Mrs Bateman rolls her eyes but Ms Liversedge is ecstatic.)

MS LIVERSEDGE: You see how beautifully Max has summed up the brutal consequences of conflict with a few tragic words? Max, I'm so proud of you. Gold star.

(Max preens.)

MS LIVERSEDGE: Jeff Collier, let's see yours!

JEFF: (Pretending to simper.) Oo, Miss.

MS LIVERSEDGE: Just read your effort, Jeff.

JEFF: Well I might not have soppy brown eyes and a nice arse like Max has but I can do poems too. Here we go:

The Keeper did a-shooting go,

He left this morning at half past ten,

He came back with a rabbit in his hand,

And it was only Friday.

MS LIVERSEDGE: It's supposed to rhyme, Jeff.

JEFF: It's blank verse.

MS LIVERSEDGE: It's just blank. Robyn dear, read yours.

ROBYN: Can I sing mine?

MS LIVERSEDGE: Well you're very brave, but as these are old ballads, go ahead, dear.

ROBYN: (Singing cheekily:) Early one morning, just as the sun was rising,

Kev sees the vicar's sister in the valley below.

Soon as the vicar's off, Kev has her knickers off,

Bet your bottom dollar that the vicar doesn't know.

MISS BATEMAN: Robyn Miller, you're on report!

MS LIVERSEDGE: But didn't you see it, Mrs Bateman? The saucy but tender love between two hearty country folk?

MRS BATEMAN: Well if you like it, Ms Liversedge, that's fine.

ZOE: (Whispering across.) You smutbag, Miller. Nice one.

JEFF BIG MAC: Mine next!

MRS BATEMAN: You wait your turn.

MS LIVERSEDGE: You can read yours next, Jeff Mac.

MRS BATEMAN: (Aside.) If she undermines me one more time….

JEFF BIG MAC: When no-one else can understand me,

When everything I do is wrong.,.

MS LIVERSEDGE: Jeff, we need to talk about the meaning of the word 'ballad' don't we? No star this week.

(Jeff Big Mac sulks as only Big Mac can sulk.)

MS LIVERSEDGE: Ben, what have you written?

BEN: I took it from a poem, not a ballad, because it summed up how I felt.

MS LIVERSEDGE: Oh, if it's a good poem, I'll excuse that, then. Go ahead.

BEN: (In a flat dead voice.) Break, break, break on thy cold grey stones, oh sea.

And I wish that I had the courage to fling myself in thee.

For I hate the sun in the morning, and I hate the evening sky,

I just want to go into the garden, and lie down with the worms, and die.

MRS BATEMAN: There's no need to be facetious, Chiltern.

MS LIVERSEDGE: Ben, that was quite chilling. I'm giving you a gold star as well as Max.

BEN: (In a flat voice.) Thank you.

JEFF BIG MAC: Thanks for ruining my day you morbid bugger.

ROBYN: Don't you pick on him. Just because your crappy Elvis effort was all wrong.

JEFF BIG MAC: If you were a man I'd hit you.

ROBYN: Don't let that stop you!

(Jeff Big Mac raises his fist to scare her off. Dixie comes over and punches him. Jeff Collier grabs her and forces her back into her seat. Zoe goes for him. Soon everybody's punching each other except Ben who just sits there and gets punched because that's the mood he's in lately. Mrs Bateman manages to take advantage of the chaos to punch Ms Liversedge. Then she comes to her senses and screams:)

MRS BATEMAN: Not in your condition, Zoe! Stop the fighting at once!

(And just like magic, everybody does.)

MAX: Condition? You're….? Oh dear what will we do?

ZOE: What do you mean, oh dear. We're getting married. There's no 'oh dear' about it and anyway-

MAX: I didn't mean anything bad. I just meant you might like to give it to a rich couple who aren't in the nick.

ZOE: Mrs Bateman, can I be excused?

MRS BATEMAN: Oh I'd say the class is pretty much over now anyway.

(They all start singing 'Your Fault' from Into the Woods - a much condensed version - to each other as Mrs Bateman hugs Zoe to comfort her.)

MAX: Well it isn't my fault as you can see,

Somebody should be practical and that guy's me.

ZOE: And if only you'd kept your big mouth shut

You'd have learned there's no baby in the first place.

(Mrs Bateman sings crossly:)

MRS BATEMAN: Wait, you told a lie about a thing like that?

If Max had sense, he'd leave you flat.

You just acted like a selfish brat.

Were you feeling bored?

Was your life too flat?

Oh and tell us who persuaded you

To sleep with Max in the first place?

ROBYN: So it's her fault, yes it's her fault

And it's not his fault at all?

JEFF BIG MAC: Oh stop that you whiney little feminist-

ROBYN: You get your butt round here and have some feminist fist!

JEFF BIG MAC: Ben's morbid rhyme drove me round the twist,

So it's Ben's fault.

BEN: Fine, it's my fault.

DIXIE: (To Ms Liversedge:) And it's not YOUR fault at all?

You're the silly cow told us what to write,

So you can't blame Ben if he believes your shite….

MRS BATEMAN: (Yelling.) Stoppppiitttt!

(She sings to the tune of "What's the Use" from "Candide".

MRS BATEMAN: I have always been wily and clever,

Sorting out stroppy convicts and such,

And I thought it would go on forever,

But I seem to be losing my touch, oh I'm losing my touch.

For I can't get this shower to grovel,

All they do is give cheek day and night,

Like a fight scene from an epic novel,

And they don't know their wrong from their right.

What's the use? What's the use?

I was foolish and trusting, this lot are disgusting,

It's wrong, oh so wrong, but I'm stuck with these sods all day long.

JEFF BIG MAC: It's a heartbreak to be here in prison,

Just a word gets you sent down the block,

Now a fight situation's arisen,

ROBYN: It was your fault for trying to mock.

MAX: Now my Zoe is going to disown me,

Although I've tried oh so hard to be good.

She'll ignore me like she's never known me,

And I'll never achieve fatherhood.

What's the use? What's the use?

Try some wee fun and frolics,

Your girl kicks your b*llocks,

It's wrong, oh so wrong,

So I'm certain to sulk all night long.

ALL: What's the use? What's the use?

All this scheming and plottin'.

Life still treats you rotten,

It's wrong, oh so wrong.

Seems we'll be in the sh*t all life long.

END OF SCENE ELEVEN

SCENE TWELVE

BEN'S CELL

(Alone in his cell, Ben broods on his miserable life to the tune of 'Under Attack' by Abba.)

BEN: Don't know how to take this, got nowhere to go,

My resistance is running low.

And every day the pain is getting deeper and it troubles me so,

I know I'm not Keogh's fool,

I know I'm not Keogh's fool yet it seems to me

I don't have a strategy,

It's like he treats me like a baby and I think I must be

Under attack, I'm being taken, about to crack, defences breaking,

Can't just one thing happen to heal my heart,

Keogh, come rescue me now cause I'm falling apart.

Under attack, I should take cover,

Punched by Big Mac, dumped by my lover!

Thinking nobody can help me now,

No, I'll not do myself in, I don't know how.

(A knock at the cell door.)

BEN: Who's there?

MRS BATEMAN: I want a word.

BEN: (Wearily.) Oh it's you Mrs Bateman. Come in.

(She does.)

MRS BATEMAN: Message from Mrs Beauchamp. You're going to Flowery Vales again tomorrow.

BEN: Is Dr Keogh coming again?

MRS BATEMAN: No, he's a busy man. I'll be coming. For some reason, Chiltern, I think you might just be innocent. But you're too weak to put pressure on that old dear… I'm very good at handling old dears.

BEN: You won't hurt her will you?

MRS BATEMAN: No, Chiltern. I have other tricks up my sleeve. Be ready at ten and don't eat a big breakfast. You need to keep sharp and alert.

BEN: No chance of my eating much breakfast at all. Zoe's cooking.

MRS BATEMAN:) You just be ready at ten.

BEN: I will. And thank you.

(She goes out. He looks excited for a minute then sighs.)

BEN: It'll never work.

END OF SCENE TWELVE


	17. Chapter 17

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE THIRTEEN

THE CORRIDOR BETWEEN CELLS, Z WING

(Max, risking big trouble, is skulking in the corridor just outside Zoe, Dixie and Robyn's cell. Womens' voices drift along the corridor. There are a few O/C voices as well as those of the three inmates. This is to the tune of Cell Block Tango from Chicago and thanks to Sweeet as Honey for the suggestion, it's a good 'un.)

DEBBIE: Poems-

MILDRED: Ballads-

MAUREEN: BABY!-

DAPHNE: BAM!

FREDA: THE JEFFS!

ALL: PUNCHUUUUUP!

ZOE:} He had it coming, he had it coming,

DIXIE:} Max only had himself to blame.

ROBYN:} If you'd have been there,

If you'd have heard him,

ALL: I tell you, you would have done the same.

(Max is uneasy and then creased with laughter at the version of events the other women are telling.)

DEBBIE: ….. So that soppy Ben Chiltern wrote this poem about a nuclear holocaust and it frightened Jeff Big Mac. Jeff Big Mac tried to calm everybody down with an Elvis impersonation but they wanted blood and then them fists started flying.

MAUREEN: And then Mrs Bateman yells to stop it because Zoe's having a baby and Max says she's got to sell it to a pair of rich Australians when it's born. And Zoe went mad and stabbed him with her scissors, and now he's at death's door in the infirmary.

VOICES FROM ZOE'S CELL: (As Max creases with laughter.) He had it coming, he had it coming,

He only had himself to blame,

If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard him,

I bet you you would have done the same.

MILDRED: So Big Mac jumps on Ben and beats him to a pulp and now Ben's so sick that he has to go to Flowery Vales nursing home and be fed through a funnel.

FREDA: And then somebody threw Mrs Bateman against the wall and she broke both legs and she's in the infirmary too. And all leave's cancelled forever (Raising her voice.) THANKS TO THOSE B*ST*RDS!

(Max giggles again and then knocks on Zoe's cell door. Out comes Robyn.

ROBYN: Zoe says go screw yourself.

(She goes back in. The voices start again and then fade,)

DEBBIE: Poems-

MILDRED: Ballads-

MAUREEN: BABY!-

DAPHNE: BAM!

FREDA: THE JEFFS!

ALL: PUNCHUUUUUP!

(Max, genuinely upset now, sings to 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word.' Again, these words are so lovely that I'm leaving them as they are.)

MAX: What have I got to do to make you love me?  
What have I got to do to make you care?  
What do I do when lightning strikes me?  
And to wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me?  
What have I got to do to be heard?  
What do I say when it's all over?  
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad  
It's a sad, sad situation  
And it's getting more and more absurd

It's sad, so sad  
Why can't we talk it over?  
Oh, it seems to me  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

(A more sympathetic than usual Jacob comes along.)

JACOB: Come on mate, you can't lurk here. I'm starting my new Street Dance class up in the gym. Why not come along?

(Max just stares at him.)

JACOB: Mate, that's not a request. It's an order. Now shift your ass.

(Max reluctantly follows him.)

END OF SCENE THIRTEEN

SCENE FOURTEEN

(Lily sits sobbing in the gym. Ethan enters and goes over to in concern.)

ETHAN: Lily?

LILY: (Crossly.) Oh it's Mr Hardy-Raceheart, coming to gloat.

ETHAN: (Gently.) What's wrong, Lily?

LILY: (Sniffling tastefully, ie using a hanky and not the back of her hand.) My Visa has been blocked.

ETHAN: I'll lend you some money.

LILY: Not my credit card. My work permit. I must return to Shanghai in June.

ETHAN: That needn't happen… if you were married to a British Citizen.

LILY: Not many to choose from that aren't jailbirds.

ETHAN: (Very softly.) There's me.

LILY: But you hate me and I hate you.

ETHAN: I lied when I said I hated you.

(He suddenly goes for it and pulls her into his arms and kisses her. After a while, she pulls away from him, but she's smiling.)

LILY: So I shall be Mrs Lily Raceheart.

ETHAN: Unless you prefer Mrs Lily Fruitbat.

(Lily giggles and sings, this is to 'Mama I'm a Big Girl Now' from Hairspray:)

LILY: Once upon a time when I was new round here,

I used to be a diva and I bent your ear,

But now I must admit that I was being a cow,

'Cause Lily is a good girl now.

Once upon a time I used to play with childhood toys  
But I don't want to kick off and to make a noise,

So if I hug and kiss you please don't have a cow!

'Cause Lily is a good girl now.

Once I used to fidget and to cause a fight,

But now I'm telling you, man, you're pure dynamite!

So I say, hallelujah, whoopee doo and wow,

'Cause Lily is a good girl now!

(She kisses him again and runs off.)

ETHAN: (Poor innocent.) She wouldn't be doing this because of the visa, would she?

(Jacob's Street Dance class comes piling in and start doing a warm-up. Then Mrs Bateman comes in.)

JACOB: You come to strut your funky stuff with us Tess?

MRS BATEMAN: Sadly, not, though I could if I wanted to.

JACOB: Show us a bit.

(He puts some music on and Mrs Bateman is all over the dance floor, throwing shapes or whatever they call it. Everybody's gobsmacked.)

MRS BATEMAN: I need Mr Raceheart. Ethan, Mr Fairhead's gone sick again. I need one other person to come with me to Flowery Vales with Chiltern. Are you free?

ETHAN: Well, I was looking forward to the class but I don't think I'd be much good today…. Mrs Bateman, Ms Chao and I are going to be married.

(Whoops and cheers; Ethan is quite liked by the cons.)

JACOB: (Not so sure.) Er… congratulations, mate.

ETHAN: Thanks! I'll buy cake for everybody later.

(He goes after Mrs Bateman, almost dancing.)

JACOB: That harpy is going to break Mr Raceheart's heart, I can feel it in my bones. O-KAY, let's do this, class.

(They dance to the music. Surprisingly, nobody's as good as Mrs Bateman.)

END OF SCENE FOURTEEN

Just wait till morning,

Losing your nice cell.

(


	18. Chapter 18

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

A/N Warning. Possible suicide reference. I think my name's going to be mud after this update. Mud Panic.

SCENE FIFTEEN

FLOWERY VALES NURSING HOME

(Ben, Mrs Bateman and Ethan are greeted by Honey. Mrs Bateman removes Ben's handcuffs. Ethan and Honey look into each others' eyes and like what they see.)

BEN: How's Mrs Mottershaw?

HONEY: Oh she's fine. She thinks I'm Denise Van Outen and she's got a new dirty audio book to read.

MRS BATEMAN: (Grimly.) Has she now?

HONEY: (Looking at Ethan.) Is this a new friend come to see Mrs M?

MRS BATEMAN: (Severely.) This is First Prison Officer Ethan Raceheart.

HONEY: That's a pretty name.

MRS BATEMAN: Look dear, can we just see Mrs Mottershaw please?

HONEY: (Smiling.) Please step this way.

(They go into the room.)

MRS BATEMAN: (To Honey.) That'll be all for now dear.

(Honey looks confused.)

MRS BATEMAN: Private interview. Prison service.

HONEY: Oh. Yeah. Right.

(She goes out quietly.)

BEN: (Politely.) Do you remember me Mrs Mottershaw?

MRS MOTTERSHAW: Yes dear. You came last time and you weren't Johnny Depp.

BEN: (Smiling.) That's right.

MRS BATEMAN: What's that you're listening to, Mrs Mottershaw?

MRS MOTTERSHAW: (Giggling.) Dirty Debbie rides again!

(Mrs Bateman yanks out her earphones. Mrs Mottershaw gibbers in temper.)

MRS BATEMAN: Now, look, what's your first name, dear?

MRS MOTTERSHAW: Flavia.

MRS BATEMAN: (Very severely.) Now look, Flavia, you are withholding information about this young man here.

BEN: Oh please don't shout at her.

MRS BATEMAN: Shut it, Ben. Flavia! You know something about this young man, don't you?

FLAVIA: (Petulantly.) I told him last time. When that nice man with ginger hair came along too.

MRS BATEMAN: Aha, you remember that, then!

FLAVIA: You're rattling me. I'm not to be rattled. I could go at any time.

MRS BATEMAN: Do you know where I'm from, Flavia?

FLAVIA: Well, you're Meryl Streep but apart from that…

MRS BATEMAN: I am part of the police service, Flavia. And I can confiscate every one of your dirty audiobooks.

(Flavia's chin wobbles.)

ETHAN: Mrs Bateman, that really is enough.

MRS BATEMAN: (Ignoring him.) But if you tell everything you know about Ben here, you will receive one dirty audiobook every week free for a year. So dirty you can't get them in the shops! (Nudging her and winking.) So what do you say, Flavey-baby?

FLAVIA: Okay. Well, this young man turned up with three bad boys at the bank. You know the big one in the High Street, next to that super little coffee shop?

MRS BATEMAN: (Trying to be patient.) Yes?

FLAVIA: The boys said to him "We're just going to get a big overdraft Ben, you'll drive us home afterwards, won't you? And this young man said he would. And we both agreed that overdrafts were unwise but he was ever so polite when we talked. And when they came out and all the sirens were going, he started crying and said that they'd lied to him. And the nastiest one of them got a knife out and told him he was toast if he didn't drive, didn't they, dear?

BEN: (Stunned.) I thought nobody else had seen that.

ETHAN: (Fiddling with some electronic equipment inside his coat.) Well I think I've got all that recorded in case the little monkey changes her mind. I'll ring the police department involved and ask them to take a closer look at their tapes, but I'd say you'll get a retrial and, hopefully, be released soon, Ben.

FLAVIA: (To Ethan.) You're Michael Caine, aren't you, dear?

ETHAN: (Winking at her.) Not many people know that. Shall we get that gorgeous – um – pleasant girl back in here now?

FLAVIA: (Wailing.) I want my Dirty Debbie!

(Ethan fits her up again. Mrs Bateman shouts.)

MRS BATEMAN: You can come back in now young lady.

(Honey comes back in, smiling. Ethan smiles back.)

ETHAN: (Wistfully.) I think I proposed to Lily too soon.

BEN: Mrs Bateman, I'm so grateful, but I wish you hadn't lied to this old lady.

MRS BATEMAN: Look, sugar, when you've been in this service as long as I have, you fight dirty.

(She sings, this is to the tune of 'To Keep My Love Alive' from 'A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.')

MRS BATEMAN: I've had a lot of jobs, a ton of 'em,

And yet I'll say I short-changed none of 'em,

I've been a bitch in every one of 'em

To keep my job alive.

One pair of cons was always rollicking,

And messing me about, and frolicking,

I whined a bit, they got a bollocking,

To keep my job alive.

One old con dreaded visits from

His screeching, nagging wife.

Viagra in his morning tea-

That bitch ran for her life!

One 'hard man' con looked like a wreck to me,

He used to spit and swear like heck to me,

I phoned my 'heavies' – whoops, vasectomy!

To keep my job alive.

(Ben and Ethan look slightly scared.)

BEN: I'm glad I've got to go back to Holby nick for a while yet, though. I want to say goodbye to a few people in advance… like Mrs Beauchamp and Dr Keogh.

MRS BATEMAN: You'll not get to say goodbye to Dr Keogh, Ben. He couldn't wait till the end of the month. Oh no, he's left early. Couldn't wait to go to Harley Street, the grasping thing. He's gone today, while we're out.

(Ben looks devastated, then quickly hides it with a grin.)

BEN: Oh well. New starts all round eh? (Giving Mrs Mottershaw a gentle hug.) Take care Flavia.

FLAVIA: And you darling. You need to keep safe and fit for all those lovely porn films you make.

MRS BATEMAN: Let's go back now.

ETHAN: I've got some free time, I'd like to take it now and look round here a bit longer.

MRS BATEMAN: You must be bonkers. Come along, Chiltern, you're not a free man yet.

(She puts the handcuffs back on him and yanks him out with her. Ethan smiles shyly at Honey then sighs.)

HONEY: I've got a free ticket to the cinema. You can come with me if you buy the popcorn.

ETHAN: I really wish I could but I… I just got engaged today.

HONEY: (Who never seems to bear any malice.) Aww, never mind.

ETHAN: I'd better catch those two up, she might pull Ben into a wall with those cuffs on him.

(He smiles and hurries out. Honey has a little weep with disappointment then sings. This is 'Tonight You Belong to Me' and was used in the first series of American Horror Story.)

HONEY: I know that you have somebody – boo!

But tonight you belong to me.

Although we're apart, you're still part of my heart,

So tonight you belong to me, just to little old me.

I'll walk to the stream, and I'll stand there and dream

Of your sweet cheeky face in the moonlight.

Ethan, I know with the dawn that you will be gone,

But tonight you belong to me.

(She does a little dance with a top hat and cane and all the residents applaud, except for grumpy Mr Bagworth, who throws his cushion at her.)

END OF SCENE FIFTEEN

SCENE SIXTEEN

ZOE, DIXIE AND ROBYN'S CELL

(Still on the subject of unrequited love, Zoe is sulking and Dixie and Robyn are trying to talk her round. This is 'Tell Him' which was a hit in the 60's.)

DIXIE:} We know something about love, and you still want him bad.

ROBYN:} That bad boy's got into your blood, you've got to tell him!

Just admit it that he's still a part of you,

The thing that makes you breathe,

Here's the thing to do.

ZOE: Shut it, for I'm never gonna love him,

Shut it, for I never will forgive him,

Shut it, shut it, shut it, shut it right now.

Ever since the world began,

It's been the same for man, and woman was created

To save men from their pain, but why is Max's brain

So constipated, oh yeah,

DIXIE:} We know something about love,

ROBYN:} You should forgive the lad,

Then go grab that moon up above,

One kiss will prove it.

If you want him to be

Standing by your side,

When you drop that sprog,

Swallow your foolish pride,

ZOE: Shutttitttt….

(Dixie gives up and goes outside. She runs back in screaming.)

DIXIE: It's Max! He's cut his throat!

(Zoe faints. Robyn wails.)

END OF SCENE SIXTEEN

(


	19. Chapter 19

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE SEVENTEEN

THE INFIRMARY, HOLBY JAIL

(Max is lying in bed, his throat all bandaged up, and is being fed by Doctor Harrison. He looks tired but hardly about to die.)

DOCTOR HARRISON: A word of advice, Walker. If you want to be a psychopath you need to learn how to cut throats properly.

MAX: (Between mouthfuls.) Look if your girlfriend went all sulky on you and lied about being pregnant but wouldn't let you say you were sorry to her wouldn't you be shocked? Owww.

DOCTOR HARRISON: I certainly would, Walker. It would mean I'd turned gay overnight. Now less talk, here's a nice drink for you, then I'm giving you something to make you sleep.

(Zoe, Robyn and Dixie put their heads round the door together, which looks quite cute. Max sighs.)

MAX: Make them go away.

ZOE: Don't be a whiney. Look, I'm sorry I got cross. I should have known you wouldn't really sell our baby – if there was one – to Australians.

MAX: Well don't expect a kiss because my face hurts all over.

ZOE: It hasn't stopped you glugging that drink.

(The Jeffs sidle in.)

JEFF COLLIER: I've cut my finger Doctor Harrison, and it could turn septic and get all pussy.

MAX: Ugh, I don't want to finish my drink now.

DR HARRISON: Jeffs, how come you were never up here when Dr Keogh was in charge?

JEFF BIG MAC: Because Dr Keogh didn't have a fab bum and good boobs.

DR HARRISON: Just get out, Jeffs. You can just get some plasters and anti septic wipes from Mrs Bateman.

(The Jeffs sing to 'The Wonder of You'.)

JEFFS: When no-one else can understand us,

We plan a vicious little plot,

We drive poor Granny Bateman crazy,

We tie her brains up in a knot.

And we always stir up trouble from

What other people does,

That's the wonder,

The wonder of uuuuussss….

DOCTOR HARRISON: People are sick enough, Jeffs. OUT!

(The Jeffs go out. Zoe bashes them on their way.)

MAX: Don't do that, or they'll be back in here wanting Doctor H to kiss them better.

ZOE: So are we on or off, Max?

MAX: How the sodding hell do I know?

(He sings rather croakily, this is 'Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps' recorded by Doris Day among others.:)

You won't admit you love me, and so

How am I ever to know?

All you do is give me

Your crap, your crap, your crap.

If you could sort your sh*t out, my dear

We'd have the wedding of the year.

All you do is give me

Your crap, your crap, your crap.

If you can't make your mind up

We'll never get wed, girl,

And as you see from this-

(He indicates his bandaged throat.) I would rather be dead, girl.

So darling if you love me, say yes,

But if you don't dear, confess,

Because I love you, you and

Your crap, your crap, your crap.

(She jumps into bed with him. Doctor Harrison comes running over to them, a force of sheer power in Jimmy Choos.)

END OF SCENE SEVENTEEN

SCENE EIGHTEEN

(Lily is perched cross legged on the stage, making a private call on her mobile.)

LILY: Good news, Mama. I have found a stupid sucker who loves me enough to marry me so I can stay here.

(Ethan comes in and is shocked at what he hears. He bounds on to the stage, takes her mobile from her and flings it against the wall where it shatters.)

LILY: Oh, the surname-challenged Mr Raceheart.

ETHAN: Oh, the lying scheming Tai Chi teacher.

LILY: You do realise, whatever you just heard me saying, you cannot break off the wedding. You have promised me you will marry me, and try and get cold feet and I will sue for breach of promise. You will need your overdraft then! And let me tell you, you may not expect any sexual fun and games with me.

ETHAN: Actually that's perfectly okay. Listen…

(Lily yawns in his face. She is not prepared for his reaction.)

ETHAN: LISTEN UP JEZEBEL!

(He sings to the tune of 'Elliot Garfield Grant' which comes from the musical 'The Goodbye Girl' and can be found on You Tube.)

ETHAN: DON'T speak. I need your attention,

I'm not gonna tell you twice.

If there's no sex then I'll be your landlord,

Better take my advice.

Chao-baby, I'm the one with the rulebook

Who'll say what you can do and can't,

Sweet cheeks: You're living on an 'Ethan's your landlord, Ethan's your landlord' grant.

NO ARGUING!

You're living on an 'Ethan's your landlord, Ethan's your landlord' grant.

Push me and you will discover that I can push back hard.

Don't try to bring unusual pets in, you'll all sleep in the yard.

Bitch, you're gonna need my permission to bring in one potted plant,

Sugar pie, you're living on an 'Ethan's your landlord, Ethan's your landlord' grant.

You'll look in the gutter and know

'There but for the grace of Ethan',

Or back home to China you go!

Here you'll be warm and dry

And I'm the reason why-

What a guy!

Henceforth we'll be doing it my way

And there'll be no disputes,

No meetings between my best carpet

And your vile muddy boots.

When I walk in you'll salute me,

None of your tantrums and rants!

Sweet pea, you're living on an 'Ethan's your landlord, Ethan's your landlord' grant.

F*ckface, you're living on an 'Ethan's your landlord, Ethan's your landlord' grant.

(He pushes her off the stage, where she lands on the trampoline and bounces three or four times before she comes to a sulky standstill.)

LILY: I wish to dissolve the contract. There will be no financial penalty for you. I shall give in my notice immediately. The others will miss my cloud hands but you are a clod.

(She stalks out, head held high. Ethan jumps up and down on the trampoline, singing:)

ETHAN: Money, money, money, find the Honey,

It's a bad man's world.

(He jumps off and goes strutting through the gym.)

END OF SCENE EIGHTEEN

(


	20. Chapter 20

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

Thanks once more to my lovely reviewers.

SCENE NINETEEN

A POSH BAR NEAR HARLEY STREET LONDON

(Dylan is drinking with some rather posh doctors, all original characters, and feeling like the proverbial fish out of water. The tune for this one is 'Well did you Evah" from 'High Society'.)

MARMADUKE EFFING-RICH: Have you heard Nurse Flighty-Brass

Needs restructuring on her ass.

ALL DOCTORS, INCLUDING DYLAN: Well did you evah?

What a brill party this is.

FREDDIE FARTWORTHY: Have you heard, old Major Crump

Had a cyst removed from his rump.

DOCTORS: Well did you evah?

What a brill party this is.

(To Dylan.) Hey new boy!

We drink to your health!

DYLAN: Let's drink to your wealth.

(Aside.) I should have fun, but how I wish this night was done.

LADY SARAH SLAPPINGHAM-ROUND: Have you heard old Palethorpe-Hack

Paid for having his b*lls sewn back?

DYLAN: Well, ain't that clevah?

(Aside.) What a crap party this is!

LADY SARAH: (Speaking.) Are you going out with us on Sunday Dr Keogh?

DYLAN: What's happening on Sunday?

LADY SARAH: We're going fox-hunting! Such fun!

DYLAN: Oh… I have to walk the dog.

LADY SARAH: Bring her along! She'll love it. What kind of doggie is she?

DYLAN: An Irish Wolfhound.

(The other doctors pull faces.)

LADY SARAH: Ooh, isn't that Sir Clive Clipham-Whipham over there? Let's go and talk to him.

(The doctors walk off leaving Dylan standing alone and embarrassed. He picks up a paper.)

DYLAN: (Reading aloud.) 'Retrial For Getaway Driver scheduled for 1st July:

"Benjamin Chiltern, the getaway driver in the famous Holby Bank robbery, is to be retried on 1st July. Following new evidence there is now a chance that Chiltern could be found innocent. If this is the case…"

LADY SARAH: (Coming back.) Reading anything nice, Dillo?

DYLAN: (Crumpling up the paper and throwing it into a bin.) No, nothing. Somebody I once knew, briefly. I'm done with all that now.

LADY SARAH: This is terribly racy of us, Dillo, but we're about to do the Conga in a moment. Would you like to join in?

DYLAN: (In a resigned tone.) Yes please.

END OF SCENE NINETEEN

SCENE TWENTY

THE COURYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING

(Rita, her lipstick a little bit smudged, is back with her clipboard.)

RITA: Okay, listen up, guys. Today's the day we've been dreading and hoping for in equal quantities. The day we find out whether or not we receive new funding or not. But before we go into that, we've a special clap to give to some people. Jeff Collier and Jeff Big Mac please step forward.

(The Jeffs step forward just as Mrs Bateman hurries along to see how much Rita is putting her pretty foot in it.)

RITA: Now the Jeffs have certificates for a pass for English studies at Level One and are doing Level Two next term. Big clap for them! Come forward, boys.

(The Jeffs strut forward and receive their certificates and a kiss from Rita. Ragged clappings and a few catcalls.)

MRS BATEMAN: (Urgently.) I'll take over now, Rita, dear.

(Rita steps down looking crushed. The Jeffs start a chant.)

JEFFS: We want Rita!

We love Rita!

(Imitating cheerleaders.) Rah rah rah, rah rah rah,

Shake your arses for Rit-aaaaaaah!

(Mrs Bateman is looking thunderous. Fortunately the lovely Mrs Beauchamp steps up to take over.)

JEFFS: No more Tess! We hate Tess!

Rah rah rah, blah blah blah blah,

Raise the finger for Tess…aaaa!

BEN: (Bravely coming forward.) I LIKE Mrs Bateman.

JEFFS: Just because she got you a retrial.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: JEFFS! Not another word out of you or I'll have you back to basic cells before you can say 'big mouthed morons'! If it wasn't the day we find out about the fundraising I'd really come down hard on you. Now, Ben's retrial has been scheduled for the 4th July – could be Independence Day for you eh Ben?

(Cheers but the Jeffs are too scared to cheerlead any more.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: I want everybody in this prison to be on best behaviour immediately. Sir Nicholas and Lord Anton are coming to discuss whether or not the prison will receive further funding or not. If not, I'm afraid Holby will close down and you'll all be transferred to other prisons round the country. So don't bugger it up, okay? (She realises what she has said and just shrugs.)

MAX: It's bad for Zoe's condition to be moved.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Don't start that one again.

ZOE: It's a real baby this time, Mrs Beauchamp.

MRS BATEMAN: I can agree with that. I do not like visiting a cell and finding evidence of morning sickness there.

ZOE: It was only because you were desperate for a pee and wanted to use mine that you saw that.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Well I suppose congratulations are in order there Zoe.

(Cheering.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Finally, some more news. Tai Chi classes will be taken by Mr Iain Dean from now on, who will also be holding a Zumba class on Saturday mornings.

JEFFS: Where's Ms Chao?

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Ms Chao wanted a career change. Now back to your cells and await instructions for this afternoon.

MAX: (A little plaintively.) Mrs Beauchamp, if we don't get the funding Zoe and me won't be split up will we?

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Unfortunately if the funding's withdrawn I could lose my job as well. All the staff here could. So it'd be out of our hands, Max. But let's think positive.

(Rita burst into tears and is led out by Mrs Bateman. A fanfare. Sir Nicholas and Lord Anton swagger in with bodyguards behind and in front of them. They sing to the tune of "I'm Martin Guerre" from "Martin Guerre" the musical.)

SIR NICHOLAS:} LOOK! It's us, we're there.

LORD ANTON:} We have a hunch it's time for lunch, free lunch seems fair.

This is our jail, so without fail we shall prepare

You've come so far and this jail is your home

And look, look at what it's become!

And by heck friends, you're going to see

How funding makes or breaks Holby Jail.

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Do you have an answer for us about the funding?

LORD ANTON: My dear lady, this is not for prisoners' ears. Let's go and have lunch in your office – I presume you've called the catering people again? I want that delightful risotto again!

MRS BEAUCHAMP: (Resignedly.) Okay lunch first, but please don't leave these people in suspense for too long.

SIR NICHOLAS: They're only _prisoners!_ (Offering his arm to Rita.) Come my dear.

LORD ANTON: (Taking Connie's arm.) Come, my dear.

(They walk out leaving all the prisoners uneasy.)

MRS BATEMAN: (Miffed at not being taken to the lunchtime discussion.) Quiet! QUIET! THE LOT OF YOU!

END OF SCENE TWENTY

(


	21. Chapter 21

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE TWENTY ONE

MRS BEAUCHAMP'S OFFICE

( A little later, Lord Anton and Sir Nicholas are still stuffing themselves happily from the food provided by the caterers. Connie and Rita try to mask their disgust at their gobbling because of their anxieties about the funding. Finally the two politicians wipe their greasy gobs on their napkins, have a greedy chug of the wine provided, and then announce:)

LORD ANTON: I'm afraid it's bad news, Constance, my dear. We are making so many cuts this year that we almost certainly need to withdraw funds from Holby prison.

CONNIE: But it's been successful. We've proved one prisoner innocent and are on the verge of doing the same for another.

SIR NICHOLAS: Yes, such a shame. But it's not a bottomless pit of money, sweetheart.

CONNIE: Please don't call me sweetheart.

LORD ANTON: Oh of course the lady doesn't like that. In fact you only like the girls, don't you? That's the only reason you could have turned ME down before.

CONNIE: I turned you down because you're an oily smarmy GIT!

RITA: Connie, be careful.

LORD ANTON: Now I'm a generous man and am willing to make an offer. You sign this form.

(Connie takes the form from him and reads it slowly.)

CONNIE: Seriously? I marry you and you provide the funding for the prison?

LORD ANTON: That's it, poppet.

RITA: Connie, don't sign.

LORD ANTON: And just so you get used to the idea, when we marry there will be no use for this little piece of ass (He rudely indicates Rita) in your life.

SIR NICHOLAS: You'll have to start liking sex the proper way.

(Rita is crying by now. Connie hugs her.)

LORD ANTON: What a horrid dilemma. You have to lose the love of your life – which I'm quite prepared to keep my mouth shut about if you marry me – or let down some sensitive prisoners who are used to their surroundings.

(They sing to the tune of 'Smile though your heart is aching:)

LORD ANTON:} Sign, though your heart is aching,

SIR NICHOLAS:} Sign, even though it's breaking,

You'll make a wonderful wife,

And for life,

Sign now – too late tomorrow,

Sign and choke down your sorrow,

For it's the only thing to do, for you.

Sign, though we know you're dreading

Such an unpleasant wedding.

LORD ANTON: Sex on demand is what I shall command.

BOTH: So just sign, and be done with whining,

No tears, get on with signing.

LORD ANTON: My life is going to be divine

When you just-

VOICE: (From doorway.) Don't sign a thing, Constance, my lovely friend.

(And Calvino, with the probably the hugest, meanest-looking bodyguard ever seen, strides into the room. He sings – sorry, this is a really obscure piece of operetta – it's available on You Tube although sadly just to listen to – 'Well you're a pretty kind of fellow' from Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Grand Duke'. I've wanted to tinker about with these words ever since I heard this song twenty or so years ago.)

CALVINO: Well you're a nasty pair of b*st*rds,

Thus her life to shatter, oh.

These lovely ladies' hearts and souls

Quite recklessly you splatter, oh.

You stuff yourselves at her expense-

I bet you licked the platter, oh.

You eat her food and drink her wine,

Especially the latter, oh.

CONNIE AND RITA: The latter, oh, the latter, oh, especially the latter oh.

CALVINO: But when compared with other crimes,

For which your brains I'll scatter, oh,

This flibberty gibberty kind of a liberty

Scarcely seems to matter oh.

For oh, you pair of spiteful swines,

You shreds of useless matter, oh

You planned a deed, on which I swear

Your party won't get fatter, oh.

You reckon you'll close Holby Jail

With endless brag and chatter, oh.

(He slaps both their faces to the rhythm of the song.) You can't – you shan't – you don't – you won't-

You things of rag and tatter oh.

CONNIE AND RITA: Of tatter oh, of tatter oh, you things of rag and tatter oh.

If I devised your punishment,

You'd be deep-fried in batter, oh.

THIS flibberty-gibberty kind of a liberty's

Quite another matter oh.

(Anton and Nicholas step towards him. The bodyguard steps towards them. They attempt to flee.)

CALVINO: Please stay. I want you to hear this.

ANTON: Why should we listen to a jailbird?

CALVINO: I was proved innocent. And I would say that a Count tops a couple of members of parliament, wouldn't you?

(They stare at him like landed cods.)

CALVINO: Now I have my fortune recouped from my bank account, and my title restored, I am pleased to introduce myself as Count Calvino Calvini, the multi-millionaire. And the exchange rate is in favour of your country, my dear Constance. I shall be funding Holby Jail.

(He tears up the documents, stuffs them into Anton and Nicholas's mouths and sings. This is 'Can you use any money today' from 'Call me Madam'. During the song the bodyguard kicks Anton and Nicholas out of the room and goes after them.)

CALVINO: Money money money money money, can you use any money today?

Money money money money money, lots of cash that I'm giving away.

There's quite enough to save the jail, and if next year the plans should fail,

There's no recrimination, naught to pay,

Can you use any money today?

Two million, four million, six million, eight million, ten,

When that runs out there is more, you can come back again.

I'm so happy to pay you, friend, for without your help I'd be dead.

I'd a massive theme park in mind – but I'll save your prison instead.

Money money money money money, your friend Cal lays it right on the line,

And as those rotten buggers wanted to decline,

You shall have mine, all mine.

CONNIE: Calvino, you're like a dream come true after a nightmare.

CALVINO: I have a favour to ask, and you might be afraid. But hear my terms and conditions first. I wish to move to England and buy a huge mansion. I would love it if you and the little Rita here would move in with me. But to make it legal… would you marry me?

CONNIE: It'd be an honour but…

CALVINO: You like the girls, I like the girls. You and Rita will have your own apartment. I shall have mine. If those two worms stir up trouble for you, the media will not touch you if you are married to me. Please will you do me this honour?

RITA: Can I come to the wedding and wear lots and lots of pink?

CALVINO: Little Rita, you are guest of honour. You may wear a rainbow if you wish.

RITA: Oh say yes Connie, please!

CONNIE: Calvino… it's almost immoral. It's not right. (Jumping up and down.) Yes please!

CALVINO: (Kissing her hands.) Countess Constance Calvini. Classy or what?

(They group hug.)

END OF SCENE TWENTY ONE

SCENE TWENTY TWO

THE POSH BAR IN HARLEY STREET

(Two of the snobby doctors are chattering together within earshot of Dylan.)

DOCTOR UPIZONE-BUTT: Turns out he batted for the other side. Well, I dropped him like a hot cake.

DOCTOR E.G.O. MANIA: Har! Har! Har! Quite right too. Boycott 'em all.

DYLAN: (Coming over.) Who would that be then?

DOCTOR UPIZONE-BUTT: We weren't really talking to you, Dillo. But we're on about those queers out there.

DYLAN: (Throwing his drink all over the pair of them.) I'm one. And I'm going back to another. And double treble f*ck f*ckitty f*ck you all. Har! Har! Har!

(He sings. This is 'I'm going out to find her' from the very funny 'Acorn Antiques the Musical'.)

DYLAN: Now I understand the situation,

I know where it is I must go,

Don't you dare tell me 'no'!

I'm going home to find him,

I, who brutally maligned him,

My role in this could not have been obscener,

I was greedy and got meaner,

I'd fight through conflict bloody,

I'd wear a Primark hoodie.

To be with my sad bruised buddy,

My delightful Benjamin.

I will travel by train,

I will travel by bus,

Hell, I'd walk if I must,

And I'd not make a fuss.

I'd wear Tesco clothes, friend,

Yes, I'd dress like a tart

If I thought it would mend

My Benjie's heart.

(He walks through the bar and into the street.)

I'm going home to find him,

I who always undermined him,

He would hold me when the nights were foggy,

And what's more he liked my doggie.

I'd eat Lily Chao's chop suey.

I'd work with Charlie's Louis-

AUDIENCE: (Shocked.) You'd never!

DYLAN: I would!

To be with my tender, gooey, snuggly little Benjamin!

END OF SCENE TWENTY TWO

(


	22. Chapter 22

BLUE SCRUBS ACT TWO

SCENE TWENTY THREE

OUTSIDE THE COURT, EARLY JULY

(A/N I'm not good at legal procedures and didn't want to draw this scene out too much anyway, so some of the action has been skipped here. (Warning. Violence and possible fatal injury in this scene.)

(Ben is walking out of the court, a free man again. He is smiling but there is still sadness in his face as he's escorted through the crowd of reporters by his solicitor.)

REPORTER ONE: Mr Chiltern, do you resent these months you've spent in prison?

BEN: They've been an education. But please let me pass; I'll be making a full statement to an independent newspaper tomorrow.

SOLICITOR: No questions, thank you. (Steering Ben through the crowds.) Come on Ben, I've booked you a taxi to your auntie's.

(Right on the fringe of the crowd, Dylan can be seen with Dervla on a lead, making his way slowly through the throng of people.)

BEN: I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye to a few of the inmates. And Mrs Beauchamp, and Rita.

SOLICITOR: Ah, you didn't want to go back in there, Ben. New start, remember?

(As they move away from the crowds, and on to a quiet street, a car comes hurtling along, with Bonnie, hell-bent on vengeance, at the wheel. Ben sees her, and pushes the solicitor out of the way. The car hits Ben full-on, flinging him against a wall where he falls and lies motionless. Things aren't looking good. The crowd turns on Bonnie, dragging her out of the car. A siren is heard in the background just as Dylan, his face a mask of grief and rage, races towards Ben.)

CROWD: (Singing.) He's a goner, he's a goner, poor little sod, he did not stand a chance.

She's a vile bitch, she's a vile bitch, she planned to do this to him in advance.

(At a word from Dylan, Dervla pins Bonnie to the wall. She whimpers.)

DYLAN: You can kill a man but you're frightened now, aren't you? If he's dead, my dog's going to rip you apart…

POLICEMAN: Thank you, sir, we'll take over now. Call off your dog, we don't want to have to hurt it, do we?

(Dylan mutters a command at Dervla, who lets the police take Bonnie away. He runs to Ben, white-faced but dry-eyed, and kneels beside him.)

DYLAN: Oh Ben, why this? Why now? (He suddenly moves closer and takes Ben's pulse. His eyes shine with an almost fanatical light.)

DYLAN: Only I can save this man!

(He whips out the pager that he still has on him, and talks frantically into it.)

END OF SCENE TWENTY THREE

SCENE TWENTY FOUR

A PRIVATE ROOM IN A HOSPITAL, TWO MONTHS LATER

(Ben is lying in a coma and wired up to a machine. Dylan sits by his bed as the machine bleeps in the background. He sings to the tune of Michael Jackson's 'Ben'. Well it was only a matter of time before this song got used.)

DYLAN: Ben, you've always been a little prat,

But I guess I love you, and that's that.

Snap out of that sodding sleep,

My rage is running deep and I'm in misery.

Oh Ben, just talk to me.

Ben, they're turning this thing off today,

Please just give a sign that's not okay.

I just want to take you home, and care for you alone,

Well, Dervla too, but then

I bloody need you, Ben.

(Silence. A nurse comes in and puts her hand on Dylan's shoulder.)

NURSE: It's time, Dr Keogh.

DYLAN: Five more minutes… please. I love him. I should have told him before.

BEN: (Whose eyes are still closed.) He never could take no for an answer.

(He stirs and opens his eyes.)

BEN: Dervla too eh? You know how to make a man feel wanted.

DYLAN: (His voice all warm and snuggly.) Oh you're with us, are you, you little sh*t?

END OF SCENE TWENTY FOUR

SCENE TWENTY FIVE

OUTSIDE THE REGISTRY OFFICE, FOUR MONTHS LATER

(Jacob is guarding the Jeffs, who have been let out for the day so they can be best men at a wedding. But who's? Zoe and Max come along, in their poshest togs, with Zoe's bump showing visibly under her dress. Even though they're guarded by Mrs Bateman, they look at each other lovingly and sing to the tune of Chapel of Love once more:)

ZOE:} Going to the Reggie and we're going to get married,

MAX:} Then it's back to prison but we're

Gonna get married!

MRS BATEMAN: Nearly eight months pregnant and you're

Gonna get married!

ALL: Going to the Reggie today!

(They go inside. A taxi draws up. Out get Ethan and Honey who sing to "Living in the Wild Wild West" by Escape Club.)

ETHAN: Forty seven crooks all living round at Holby,

North East West South, prisoners in the 'Big House'

Today is my day off, boy it's going to pay off,

I've got today to wed and bed my Honey.

HONEY: He's so nuts but I don't care,

I love his eyes and his blond blond hair.

Gonna wed the guy that I love best-

ETHAN: Bought a house in Wigan, blimey it's a big 'un,

Living in the wild North West, the wild North West!

(They go inside and a quite large taxi pulls up. Dylan gets out and then waits patiently. Dervla, with a pink ribbon round her neck, jumps out.)

DYLAN: You get to be my bridesmaid, Girlfriend.

(He goes back to the cab, and helps Ben down the steps. The driver passes over a Zimmer frame with pink ribbons round it, and Ben grips it with a smile as he and Dylan sing to the tune of 'The Best of Times is Now" from La Cage Aux Folles.)

BEN: The best of times is now, I'm going to wed my lovely grumpy man,

DYLAN: I'll love you all I can, I'll never be an arse again.

BOTH: So hold this moment fast, and live and love as hard as we know how,

And make this moment last, because the best of times is now.

BEN: Now, and not some tragic yesterday,

DYLAN: Now, oh it's delightful to come out as gay,

BOTH: So hold this moment fast, and live and love as hard as we know how,

The time for pain is past, because the best of times is now.

(They make their way slowly into the registry office. Then there's a whirring sound and everybody looks nervously towards the skies. The Jeffs fill the time gap with a brilliant, synchronised tap dance to "I'm getting married in the morning." Then Calvino and Connie – the latter in the highest heels ever – come along dressed as bride and groom with Rita, Robyn and Dixie as bridesmaids. They sing to the tune of 'That's Amore".)

CALVINO: When a lady so grand has accepted your hand, that's Amore!

CONNIE: When we're happy to wed, though we won't share a bed, that's Amore.

RITA: Chimes will ring, tinga linga ling, tinga linga ling, and I'll just go all floppy.

DIXIE:} Hearts will play, tippy tippy tay, tippy tippy tay,

ROBYN:} Ain't life great when you're soppy?

CALVINO: When the world spins around and you're loving the sound, that's Amore.

When you see that gold ring, what a wonderful bling, you're in love.

Call us sad, call us mad, but we can't be more glad here, signore-

Pardon me, but you see, when things end happily, that's Amore.

(They go inside. Mrs Bateman looks round anxiously then looks crushed, and turns to the Jeffs, as brightly as she can:)

MRS BATEMAN: So which wedding are you Best Man at, Jeffs?

JEFFS: (Gleefully.) All of 'em!

(They go inside. A silence during which poor Mrs Bateman looks on the verge of weeping. Then the wedding march is heard. Connie comes running out and throws her bouquet. Mrs Bateman catches it… just in time for Charlie to run up, pick her up in his arms, and run into the Reggie office with her. The other happy couples come out and sing to the same tune as Calvino and the ladies used:)

ALL: When a jail's full of fools who broke too many rules,

That's a-Holby!

When the crooks go on strike till they get what they like,

That's a-Holby,

Sirens wail, bloody bloody jail, bloody bloody jail, but it feels so familiar,

There you'll stay every bloody day, every bloody day, till some bitch tries to kill yer.

JAIL STAFF: When your workload you hate but your colleagues are great, that's a-Holby.

INMATES: When the slog's hard to do but you still see it through, that's our nick.

ALL: Hearts will pound, and you'll jump up and down like an Australian Wall'by.*

Call us mad as can be, but between me and thee, that's a-Holby.

(Charlie comes running back out with Mrs Bateman-Fairhead in his arms. Confetti is thrown, and there's one vast hug and snog.)

END OF SCENE TWENTY FOUR

END OF ACT TWO

THE END

*Sorry!

(Sorry to threaten my lovely readers, but look out for 'Blue Scrubs Two – Undercover' soon.)

(


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